Jumbled and Messy

So yeah I’ve been absent a bit again.  I really didn’t have much to say and was considering just shutting things down permanently.  That didn’t seem to make a lot of sense because I come here to vent and where would I do that if I wasn’t in this space.  Anyway, as I’ve been driving around from work or to interviews I’ve had a lot of time with my Zune.  Last night One Foot Wrong, Carry On and Just a Fool came on in sequence.  I love all three artists (Pink, Fun and Christina Aguilera & Blake Shelton) so I listened to them a few times in a row.  And it made me start thinking about most recent ex.  I came home thinking I should call him and chat and see if there’s any hope there really.  Then I picked up a piece of mail that came to the house for him which was a reminder of all the stupid ish I asked him to handle a certain way, he promptly did it another way and that way ultimately keeps coming back to bite him in the ass.  These reminders don’t come often but they do seem to coincide when I get tired of being by myself and having to take care of things all on my own.  Whatever higher power is looking out for me intervenes and I appreciate that because right now he’s not in any place to make things easier.  He may never be in that place and I don’t want to resent him or perpetually be angry.  Those are not good looks.

I’ve been feeling all over the place anyway because I know what I want I’m just not sure how it’s going to look.  I would like a man that is strong and in control and able to be followed.  I’m not sure if that’s going to be a traditional d/s or bdsm relationship though.  I’ve been thinking more about the 50s household and taken in hand relationships which may be more easy to navigate without having to hide the whips and chains and ball gags from mom.  I’m a subbie girl by heart but maybe my life won’t allow for that at this stage.  Ehh blah.

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