worth revisited

okay not too long ago i wrote what can best be described as a very depressing piece about worth and being valued enough to be WITH your partner. as i was showering tonight i started thinking about when my worth became tied to who was holding me at night. because really during the day i’m active and productive and busy. but at night, at night it’s just me and the stuffed animals. that’s when the lonely sinks in and that’s when it starts to hurt that no one is hugging me back.

but at 22 i didn’t care about that. i was finishing undergrad and dating around and in general just enjoying life and what the next adventure might be. there were moments when the long term happy with one person seemed appealing but the loss of it wasn’t devastating to my psyche. at 25 i was reeling from my father’s death so really the last thing i was worried about was my long term happy. i wanted someone to console me but i had my brothers, mother, friends and family who did a bang up job and helped me through that phase. at 28 i was winding up with the main part of my doctoral program and was just hoping that a few things broke the right way for me. they did and i was estactic. it was here that i know i started wanting someone to share all these thing with. it seemed lonely to be accomplishing things with no one to cheer me on and encourage me. but i had all my adopted nieces and nephews and lord they rocked so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

even at 30 the ache for the arms wasn’t as pressing. i just got my first job and my mother was moving in so there were other stressors to wade through before boy was necessary. i was dating by then, i was with emp by then or getting ready to not be with emp either way i missed him but i wasn’t decidedly distressed that he wasn’t holding me nightly. i just figured in time we’d work that all out and i was getting ready to move actually lol but that didn’t work out that way. and RS is a dream in so many ways, a good sweet dream but not something i’ve had a chance to hold onto. the days stretching made me more aware of that but it’s not about him really.

it’s about the feeling that i am not quite complete without those arms. i know that isn’t the case. i am strong and independent and at the end of the day can take care of myself. so let me not say it’s the feeling more than the desire to be in someone’s arms each night. to rest my ear against their chest and hear their heartbeat slow while we drift off to sleep. it’s somewhat about that nice smack on the ass, or across the face quite unexpectedly to garner a reaction mid coitus, and the knowledge that i have trusted another human enough to put myself in their control. i miss having those things now. i miss them and don’t know when i can have them. that is what throws me off when i’m having a bad day. if i knew 30 days from now life would be like what i dream about then i’d just mark the days off my calendar and go yippee. but i don’t know that and really none of us can know that. at 32 i long for embrace at a way that wouldn’t have crossed my mind ten years ago. not having it or having the possibility of it ripped from my grasp just throws me into a tailspin from time to time. from now on i’ll try to just have a drink and take a bubble bath when they hit but i know they’ll hit.

for now i’ll just keep thinking and praying and keeping myself as centered as possible until arms get to keep me close every night.

see ya later

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