okay i’ve been pondering doing this post for the last few weeks. i’ve never really talked about who and what i am or think about the world at large sometimes. no good reason for it but when i started the blog i was already happily involved with Emperor so my posts focused on us and what i thought was happening and was hopeful would happen in the future. now that that door has closed i’m telling you more about new people and places and things but again not really focusing on who i am and what brought me to this place. i’m not saying this post will address all of that but as much as i can do today i will. so where to begin? the beginning is always nice huh, god i’m silly.
i am originally from texas. while my daddy was a military man and we traveled a lot, i spent all but six years of my younger life in some part of texas. i arrived on the planet about two months early and then decided sleeping was for loser babies and that has really shaped the rest of who i am. i still to this day have massive issues with my sleep and rarely fall asleep before midnight. if i do it’s either because i’ve been drinking, having marathon sex sessions, have gotten ill, am emotionally drained or someone has curled up with me and wants to go to bed. otherwise two am is my normal stopping point. this is really off tangent but my brain thinks in circles sometimes so bear with me.
i grew up as a tomboy, i have two brothers–one younger and one older but i only lived with the younger one, so my dad really had three boys in his house until puberty set in. that summer i went from one of the guys to the one the guys wanted to play with in a “special way.” that was traumatizing for me on a number of levels. my breasts literally sprouted and grew into a full B cup over the course of a summer and they didn’t have as many cute bras in the “mommy is buying you your bra” section as they do now. my first bras were all black and for some reason black bras were synonymous with being a whore in my neighborhood. it really didn’t matter until gym class when everyone else had their nice pink and white bras with the cute little bows in the center and i was wearing the reinforced support structure of a 34B. that summer by the way was between third and fourth grade, big fun for red. so i can’t be one of the guys anymore and the girls started what would be a long-standing standoff with me because i was never girly enough to gossip or relate to their madness.
i stopped growing height wise a few years later and my chest kept expanding. i was to be toyed with at this point and i have to admit i had sex for the first time WAY too young. it was good and safe and i LIKED it but it was much too early. i moved shortly after that as well and for about two years was just celibate. then i was “allowed” to start dating and with the renewed interest in boys so too came the renewed interest in sex. i figured out i was good at it lol on top of liking it so i kept doing it and any lapses since then have been for regrouping purposes only. somewhere in the middle of there i learned all about penis size (and it can matter depending on the man and the nature of our relationship) and oral sex both giving and receiving. i discovered that while i could never hang out with a large group of women that every now and then it was fun to mess around with them–that has been sporadic at best and really now it would be primarily at the request of my Dom.
i enjoyed the exploration but an early start and a thorough investigation left me bored after awhile. by the time i was a sophomore in college there was little left on my checklist of things to do. however, i met the person there that could be classified as my second unofficial Dom. the first was my HS ex and he was just a manipulative freak who has since apologized and i still wish he’d get hit by a bus. anyway back to unofficial Dom #2. he literally took possession of me. i met another friend of his originally and was sorta hanging out with him but nothing was serious. UD2 changed all of that. he fucked me into submission and i loved it. i often left his place, limping, bitten, sore, potentially bruised but always very very happy. he pushed me to the point that all i could do was think of how to make him happier which would in turn lead me to get happy as i was limping back home. i was his and i knew it and had he not turned out to be a collasal whore we might have stayed together longer. what he taught me was that i liked pain with my sex and i was desperate to have it. what he also taught me that i wasn’t quite aware of was i liked feeling owned. it (being owned)gave me the most contentment i think i knew prior to meeting Emperor. anyway, we broke up and i did continue dating. i tried to explain it to the folks i met after him but they were either afraid of hurting me or didn’t believe me because my grown up life doesn’t make it seem like i’d willingly submit to anyone for any length of time for any reason. ahh how wrong they all were.
fast forward six years of botched relationships and unsatisfying sexual dalliances for one of the six (i went on hiatus in there and there was little sex going on that wasn’t manually done or a quick in and out with someone i knew would get me off the way i wanted) and this is where Emperor enters into my life. we started off just talking about things in general. bdsm did come up but it was more my first time admitting to someone else that this was something i was interested in and someone both understanding it but offering their assistance however they could. i had been exploring the web on my own and came to recognize that the relationships i had been the happiest and most secure in were ones that i happily deferred to my partner. he made a majority of our decisions and i followed his lead in life, into the bedroom, whatever it was. the ones that had ended the worst were ones that security was never coming, that i could “run over” him and he’d just take it, or that i had to much “freedom” over my own behavior. not to mention, and this was key for me, i like pain. i like feeling my body react to it. i like sinking into that wonderful hazy space and my orgasms flooding out because it’s such a warm happy sensation. i doubted i’d be happy in any situation that wasn’t giving me both the chance to submit and that offered up a fair amount of pain.
so there was Emperor. Emperor is witty and engaging and sadistic and lovely so it was easy to get very attached to him very quickly. as he was everything i was looking for, even though he had some traits i found annoying lol, i truly believed that given time we’d be living together and i’d be his indefinitely. i was waiting patiently for my collar and my place at his feet. well i think i was anyway–that’s the thing about relationships we always end up seeing different things there. and i can’t say i’m not at fault in it ending the way it did either, even though i think we’re still friendly, but whatever the case may be it ended and now there is someone new on the horizon potentially. even though i have to be careful with him and with my own emotions as i am still filtering out residual Emperor thoughts. the new him is and has been winning the thought occupation race but i would be dishonest if the thought of talking to Emperor to figure out where things went haywire and why i wasn’t enough don’t cross my mind. at the end of the day i don’t ask and i won’t because that would be fresh pain and not the kind i like. so here i am now and it’s march 7th and it’s three months before the new him’s birthday. the new him will be getting a name soon as well just not in this post. none of that is remotely relevant but again thoughts are moving in a circle.
the new him is very intriguing to me. he’s not the polar opposite of Emperor but he’s getting close on that as far as their temperments go. he’s also quite sadistic and likes a few things that i hadn’t pondered doing but seem intriguing (always gotta try stuff twice lol i may like it more the second time or it may have been done wrong the first time). he elicits another type of desire in me, no more palpable than the one that has been there for the last year or so, that i know is at least partially born out of a desire to protect and keep him close but also the desire of things that are new and still possible. so now i’m a 30 year old black female sub who is at least for the moment “officially” single. i’m not really looking too hard at other prospects because unlike my younger “you can be replaced days” i don’t like spreading my attention around. i am happy now that i more fully understand who i am and what it is that i want. life is good even if it is chaotic and i know that now that i’ve found my place i just need to find my home. i may come back and speak to this some more in a later post but i think i have said more than enough for today lol.
well not really as there will be a brief mini post in a minute and maybe another one tonight. okay well you get my point, i hope lol.