testing, testing

it’s felt like forever since i was able to sit here with a clear mind and write something. i don’t have any happy resolutions for you, well any resolutions truth be told, so if you came over to check on that i can’t help JUST yet. what i can tell you is the overwhelming amount of pain i have been feeling has subsided. i can breathe again without feeling like my chest is being stepped on (not that i have any real knowledge of what that would feel like but the weight on my chest was horrible). i’m not sure what or why things went haywire last week and the timing was less than ideal for both of us. i left Him teary eyed to say the least and was full of fire to finish (all those f’s lol) my oft-delayed dissertation so that i could defend it and happily smile at Him and the rest of my family when i picked up my doctorate in may. then, as is the case, something blindsided me and this time i couldn’t surpress the anger. i couldn’t shrug it off and the tantrum was a mighty one. He responded in kind as we went to bed highly disappointed in the other one for totally different reasons.

i’ve been talking to two women that i have come to trust and love a lot the last few days (not the love and trust just a lot of talking). each had a different take on things but both essentially told me the same things. i can’t control Him or what He does and if i want Him some things that annoy me must be tolerated. however, i don’t just have to sit on my hands and hope that my penance–once served–will get me back in His good graces. i had to take a big step backwards. from the situation, from my life, from the love that i still feel deeply for Him. i had to refocus on any and everything else for a while. it’s hard to be patient and kind when you are hurting and i was too busy hurting to do anything else.

friday night i took a long hot bubble bath, listened to bitter (see below) and got really, really, really drunk. i haven’t been remotely buzzed in ages so drunk was definitely something new. i woke up early (like four a.m.) saturday morning and after staving off my aching heart’s desire to call Him i went back to sleep a few hours later. then i woke up, turned on my laptop and got to work. over the next 36 hours i spent a vast majority of them looking at stacks of paper spread over my bed and typing what will be the start of the END of my academic career. i crunched all necessary statistics and wrote up all necessary information on them to hand over to my committee chair so that we can begin the final descent (is that spelled right) toward me being dr. pet.

i’m sure you are wondering “why dr. pet?,” after all nothing has been resolved. well here’s the thing, i am His. as i told Him when i saw Him, and again last night when i checked in on Him as i am prone to do, i belong to Him until such a time that He wants it to not be the case. i have belonged to Him totally since we met. i can’t say what happened made me deepen my love for Him because truthfully that pain was monstrous. what it did make me realize was that i am stronger than i think and that my feelings for Him run deeper than i think. things may not ever be the way they were before now, in some respects i hope they are not, but i love Him and until the message from Him says “I no longer wish to possess you” any bolting i did right now would be born out of fear. and believe me i am afraid but i can’t keep running from that. whatever is meant to happen here will have to play itself out and even if He does release me ultimately i know that i didn’t hide in the closet with my doll and hope that love would ignore me. if i am literally destroyed by this emotion i’d rather have that than to live the rest of my life wondering what might have happened had i just done something differently. ok well that’s enough of that, got two more clients (damn these kids they should stay at home it’s snowing) and then off to home.

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is low. You see love as a gift that you should give to many. It’s hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time… Let alone one person for the rest of your life! Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You’ve loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is low. This doesn’t mean you’re a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you’ve been hurt – you’re never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven’t found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both “me time” and “we time.” You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

Who Should Paint You: Andy Warhol

You’ve got an interested edge that would be reflected in any portrait You don’t need any fancy paint techniques to stand out from the crowd!