dancing on the head of a needle

is the subverse making us all shut down at the same moment? is it the dumbass groundhog making us all want to do something different right now? or could it be, heaven forbid, that we are all talked out? nah it can’t be the last one. being instrospective does make us less talkative i would think. i have another headache so i’ll finish this later after some food and quiet. i haven’t slept well in months. some days i catch up on it but typically i fall asleep late and wake up early too many days in a row. some of it is just because i can’t make my brain shut down but as of late it’s just because i don’t physically feel the need to sleep until very late in the evening. and then there’s the whole thing with my appetite virtually disappearing which doesn’t really help with the weight lost thing because then i eat in bursts and don’t want thing for hours or days sometimes. i’m not quite a total complete mess but i’m working toward it. my work isn’t suffering YET but it’s only a matter of time before it is. i know these things logically, i still can’t make myself get it together. admittedly i’ve been out of sorts lately but i have to stop this.

oh and i should have warned you but my mind is a jumble of things so this may ramble about a bit. i did the proverbial late night no no about an hour ago. i tried on all of the nice goodies i purchased from Frederick’s in anticipation of the next time i’d see Emperor. i loved the material and colors. i was just slightly depressed that my chest actually fit well into the new cup size. i’ve been holding onto the last one for a while and that just made me feel like a balloon that had deflated a bit. the corset wasn’t as restrictive as it could be i’m sure, and i was happy to not need to let the straps out in the back, but it just made me look at my behind like “when did this become my ass?” and before my shower i did one of those body inspections for random imperfections and of course looking for them became annoyed about them. a spot here, a blemish there, why in heaven are my breasts so big and heavy now and did i mention my ass? now i’ll be distressed about this until i see Emperor and He whispers something in my ear that makes me feel all nice and glowy from the inside. then we’ll have to talk because i need His support. i need to return to a me that i can be happy with and that will be more pleasing to Him. which of course will make me happier and thus He may end up with a more pleasing pet.

briefly, i got a NICE tax return coming. new laptop coming oh yes it is.

last bit of rambling. well at least i think it’s the last bit of rambling. while most of my life has been on pause, my sex drive has continued along undeterred by my ponderings and lack of movement. i have killed more kittens in the last few weeks than one human should be responsible for (for those of you that are new here, killing kittens is a euphemism for masturbation). i have been daydreaming about being slammed into the wall, of being forced to my knees and fed my daily dose of Emperor, of being showed off as a good and eager pet who will do anything to please her Master, and of having every stitch of clothing i’m wearing ripped from my body as He plunders and violates every piece of skin that will allow His intrusion. i was slightly worried when He said i was going to suffer mightily for incurring His anger yet again but then i thought the worst that could happen is that He left me a sated puddle in need of her pain medication shortly thereafter. i was ashamed of myself for wanting to feel His hand make contact with my cheeks, for thinking of ways in the moment i could both heighten His sizable sadistic streak and keep myself from limping back home, for wanting to feel His flesh merged into mine until the singular thought running in my head was this Man was all that i could ever hope for and please let this moment last as long as humanly possible and let Him find me remotely pleasing. i want the bites, the scratches, the yes pets echoing through the room, the contorted positions, the invasive movements of eager mouths and tongues and heavy sighs of contented bodies.

so at the end of all of this, i’m tired and missing my Emperor and that will hopefully be ending soon. in a few weeks i’ll be laptop shopping, my mother is returning—yeah!!!, i have lingerie to wash and toys to pack and some light cleaning to do in the next few days. anyone want to see if we can dance together on the head of this needle? and taylor i’m going to just start blowing up monkeys the next time they come around here 🙂