okay today has been a juxtaposition of my life in an assortment of ways. i woke up from a strange dream after killing a kitten before bed (RIP kitty). i was a stock trader or something and i kept making deals and then having sex with Emperor. that was so odd. anyway so i am up and showering and trying to find ONE of my black dresses because we were wearing all black for the photo today. so i’m getting dressed and either i tossed them all because they were uncomfortable or i lost them in transit but seriously the ONLY black heels i had in my place are three inches and up. i was actually supposed to wear them all for Emperor on my last visit to see Him but i digress. i’m dressed and ready to go after a long debate with my mother about my dress and then, because i was being lazy, i had her fasten me into the heels and i think too bad she can’t do this for me when i am seeing Emperor as i hate strapping myself into those shoes.
the picture went fine but i went to bed late after the kitten massacre so i was tired. i holed up in my room and logged onto a site i had been on before and that i tend to visit when i’m pms’ing (read way too horny for words). as i am enjoying my solitude i start talking to one of my favorite sub sistas and simultaneously teasing her and being teased right back. it’s always good talking to her and not feeling so abnormal (i mean this doesn’t make me abnormal, i’m just strange). and i was promptly, if just briefly, snapped out of my subbie revelry by one of my close girlfriends whom i had to catch up on the week’s events. we wrapped up and it was back to the site and my sista. after that it was off to my real life again.
i carted my mother around town for four hours and then ate and let her play in my hair. for four solid hours i was the mom again (our relationship is odd) and then i let myself be a little kid for a while before i crawled back in my bed. i’m quite sure another kitten will be sacrificed today. i knocked one off before the talking and after i had about thirty minutes of just silence. the site had a story that set me off. and now i’m ready to be His good pet. ready to care for Him and enjoy the satisfaction that only comes to me when i know He is happy. He is otherwise occupied though and i am left with this sudden spike in interest from men i do not want. i’ve been invited out of town, to sit on someone’s face, to a dungeon and a few other places in the last forty-eight hours. save letting the little boy lick me while i do nothing to get him off none of the offers are ones i can seriously entertain right now. and the licking just makes for good fantasy (nipple clamps, extra large dildo, one leg kicked over the arm of the sofa and one leg over his shoulder keeping him locked in place umm le sigh) because for the moment i can’t fathom letting anyone touch me that isn’t Emperor or that He doesn’t sanction.
i keep saying in the moment, right now, don’t i? well that’s my uber realistic borderline paranoid side kicking in. talking to another good friend last night it occured to me that even though i’ve said it here a billion times it seems, the words i love You in a way that has to mean nothing but hey i’m in love with You have yet to come out of my mouth when talking with Him. i can’t pinpoint as to why either. i mean i am known to be a little reluctant to say that to men. the men i have fallen in love with have tended to react strangely to that phrase. early on it was a sign that i wasn’t going to run away from them. the last ten years it has made men think she’s never going to leave if i say it back. ahh let me assure you that is so not true lol. i have to talk myself into staying with people until i trust they want me there. that happens very infrequently and it could just be the type of men i have been in love with but without fail the reaction has been odd. so maybe i’m afraid He’ll hold true to form with the others or that He’ll plan the next forty years of our lives together. honestly i can’t say. He makes me want to do better and be better and really that’s all i could ever ask for on one hand. but, and there is always a but, i think i’m waiting for the magical mystical thunderbolt to hit and say yes He is yours. i should stop waiting for it because really i think one hit when we met and it just happened to tell Him that i was His. after that, nothing else really matters lol because really i am His.
and just to explain my post title today lol. my world is constantly merging my sub life and my vanilla life. my friends that are openly exploring and sharing their trials and tribulations in the lifestyle with me. those who are doing so privately but still sharing lol. the demands of my vanilla life and the sheer joy in sinking into my submissive posture and having no thought outside of is there anything i can do today to make Emperor smile. i was going to call this post the subbie’s world of pure imagination. i adore that song lol, willy wonka was the best. but then it occured to me i don’t have to imagine this world, this is my life now. i can imagine ways that it can get better but i don’t have to worry about what it might be like to be His. i am His until He says otherwise.
come with me and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination…(bye bye even)
red