i had a bad dream last night, not one that hasn’t happened before but it still makes me uneasy when it reoccurs. after what has been a pretty good weekend all things considered with my family and Emperor through our contact, my brain took off to parts unknown and revisited my current greatest fear: that Emperor will leave and for someone that more readily fits His ideal. the fear had dissipated right around my birthday. not sure if it was endorphin high or what but it was gone and i was happy i’ll be honest. then last night as if it never left i was sitting and listening to Him tell me how blissfully happy He now was with His perfect sub that required no training who was 5’7 and 120 pounds and who’s luxuriously long hair was great for pulling. He wished me well and then invited me to His wedding. of course i woke up in a panic. i had a missed call and was hoping i really had dreamt all of that and not hung up on Him in the middle of the night when He shared the news. the last forty minutes i’ve been writing Him an email about all of this but i haven’t sent it. i doubt i will. my fear will manage to consume me soon and i’ll just bottle it up next to the should have been opened and saved myself some trouble at the time bottles. i know i always say knowing the truth is better than living a lie with my clients but guess what that’s not true. living a lie can be quite pleasant for at least one person involved especially if they are unaware that it is a lie. ahh but there’s the rub i don’t know a damn thing. i just had a bad dream and He has done nothing to warrant it or my panic about the dream. i want to just go back to bed and have a more pleasant dream but i don’t think i can as it’s nearly lunchtime and my family is mostly awake now. oh god this sucks.