celebrate the moody stream of consciousness

okay i was searching for images with the number 100 in them and this came up (not safe for work lol). soooooo not what i was looking for lol. anyhoo. today is marking my 100th post. all the ranting and raving has exploded up to number 100 this afternoon. i am still as confused as i was yesterday. the push pull should be tired and old by now but i’m hanging on for dear life and i for one do not understand it. so yes i am still quite moody this afternoon. my spanking derbish seems so distant today. well the last few days. so i’ve been cleaning and in case you haven’t noticed by total failure to mention it really before now, i HATE cleaning, despise it with zeal. but cleaning i have been cause it allows me not to worry about His inattention. unfortunately when the cramps start again i must sit still because the pain is bordering on unbearable. i really want to talk to Him, the same way we did before He claimed my submission as His own but He won’t open up to me. it’s almost as if now that He knows i want to be with Him that He has to close off parts of Himself. yes i know i have to keep in mind my hormone level right now and the copiuous amount of drugs in His system but it still feels cold outside of His gaze.

which leads me to the whole stream of consciousness thing. the subverse has to exist as part of that stream. there are usually a few major themes coursing through it at any point in time and the confusion pulse is hitting me and some others hard. how can be expected to serve and serve well without some reassurance and the occassional unexpected you are doing well darling, pet, slave? part of why i sought out this type of relationship (refusing to call it a lifestyle because i am being difficult today) is because i wanted to be taught explicitly what makes Him happy. didn’t want to second guess or hypothesize what would please Him. yes sometimes that works and sometimes it just explodes in your face. i wanted at least part of that burden removed from me. of course i will still screw things up but not as much as i would if He wasn’t guiding me. that has been my ultimate frustration in this. His life has interfered with our life. not just recently but my training has been postponed numerous times. we get started, i get excited, He gets distracted with something else and i am left sitting where i always have been: next to Him and confused. no matter how i protest it i have no real desire to be anywhere that He doesn’t want me to be. no matter how much i wail and whine here all i really want is to know that i have pleased Him. no matter how much i plot my departure i’ll be beside Him until He releases me. i’ll be His until then and i know it. it doesn’t stop this icky feeling from creeping in when i don’t know what it is He wants or desires of me. it would be so much easier if i could function without that level of instruction from Him but we are just learning each other so i can’t, not yet anyway. there’s no good way to explain this to Him. our communication styles are so different and our prior relationships make us hear things totally differently than was either said or intended. so i am just sitting here and pouting and waiting for something utterly mind-numbing to come on so i can quiet my brain and remember that yes i am an individual, but one whose heart and mind belong to someone else right now no matter if He understands that truly or has figured out what He wants to do with that. all of this reminds me of a song that was going to be the title of this post: impossible by christina aquilera–who if reports are right got married this weekend.

the thing is it’s not impossible to love Him, it just feels like an impossibility that i could stay like we are indefinitely. i know what i need and despite how much i want Him now there is only so much even the most devoted of subs can take. even if i didn’t leave Him physically or request my release from Him, my heart can only withstand so much before it shuts itself away from Him. hopefully we don’t get there. hopefully one day soon i’ll tell you about the wonderful way in which He made me wholly enamored of Him again. of how we woke up in my bed and He claimed me all over again. until then i hope i put enough good vibes into the subverse that we can merge all the themes into one overriding one–peace and contentment. until then enjoy your highs and appreciate the lows are just part of our growing pains i guess.

see ya
red v