Lord give me chastity, but not yet

Okay so I’m sure I misquoted that a bit but it’s one of the random thoughts in my brain right now. Mainly I’m thinking about Emperor and relationships and my dynamics and control issues. Emperor mentioned one day that all women had a need to control things and in my indignant sub space mind I was thinking well except for me. That’s not exactly true. I don’t want to control HIM persay but I would like to be able to control when and how/if He reponds to me. There are moments of excrutiating pain dealing with Him that have nothing to do with being bound. I worry, unnecessarily so apparently, that He’s tired of me already. To someone in my current state of development that is the WORST feeling imaginable. I mean I just found Him so to be cast out would be devestating on one level. And because of that thought floating in and out of my brain I feel part of myself pull back from Him until He responds to me again. Then it feels like His hand is stroking my hair and carressing my cheek and everything feels good again. And my body reacts as if He were here with me. I feel like He’s allowed me to curl up next to Him after we’ve just finished an intense evening. He’s massaging skin that He just abused and engendering/deepening my devotion to Him. He doesn’t know all of this because I can’t figure out how to tell Him without scaring Him. I definitely don’t mean to scare Him, I just want Him to know the level on which He’s affected my life. I think He does though on some minor level. I just want it to be more clearly understood but I won’t force it to be anything more than it is. Regardless of whatever else comes to pass, He’ll always be the man that set me out on this journey so He’ll always be special to me. Part of me would just be overjoyed though if He kept me for the rest of His life. I would be the best pet He ever had. I’d do anything to keep Him happy. But He knows this already so it is completely up to Him on one hand. I’ve whined enough for one night. Be blessed boys and girls.

–red velvet

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