off the rails

i’m sitting here and i’m trying to decide what to do with all the chaos in my brain right now. i’ve been meaning to post for a while. i’ve started doing more to take care of myself inside and out and have been excited about that. i need to get on the workout kick but that is slightly interfering with my hair growth kick so i’m trying to figure out a way to balance that easier. maybe i can find that article about working out and not damaging your hair that i saw but didn’t have time to read.

so much is going on in the world that i’m just sad about the state of humanity. Tuesday alone i read so much bad news that i was almost wishing the Mayans were right and that we were all gonna disappear next year. we are so hateful to each other and so violent. amy winehouse died which is so beyond tragic. i’m not sure she was meant to be here longer than she was but all that potential and fire that we saw five years ago is just out like a light. and people keep saying well she refused to get help and she did for a while but she had been trying to get better it just seems like it was too late. i wish her the peace now that she couldn’t get in life. i still can’t even wrap my head around the situation in Norway and how any one person could do that sane or insane. at some point i’d hope a switch would go off and it would force them to stop but that didn’t happen. even though they have lowered the death toll almost 80 people have lost their lives because of intolerance of others.

the country is days away from sliding into default because people are having a pissing match and neglecting what it could do to the very people that put them where they are now. as irritated as i am with a few of them right now, my front office staff would not be able to retire at all if the stock market took another large hit. i’d be praying on it since i have 30 odd years before it’s even an option but there is no promise that the stock market and thus my 401K would ever recover.

i am getting tired of my job and hateful towards people who don’t have any real problems but that won’t go away–or who are refusing to deal with the actual problems they have and focusing on something trivial instead. my coworkers who used to make up for that are showing me things i don’t like and i could be overly sensitive right now but excusing or encouraging racist thought–even if they don’t see it that way, is and always will be one of my buttons. my boss isn’t hitting on all cylinders and it’s sad to watch. i feel tired and rundown more days than not as opposed to tapped out because i know i did good work that day. i want to change almost everything but haven’t got the means to even do a tenth of that.

i tried to get the book published through traditional means–well through the one contact i had, and that hasn’t gone anywhere so it’s time for plan b i guess. i don’t really want to move but i want to be able to see my family more and want Daddy to be able to work as much as He likes and that just isn’t happening here. mom is behaving most of the time but hovering over her finances is draining me as well. i did get to see my brother and his family for his birthday which was great. my nieces are the prettiest funniest little things and it was so not fun leaving them. but we have finally got skype working so when we think about or one of them needs to show me a new dance move i get to check them out.

and today the chain that i wear around my neck holding a small pendant very similar to the one my father gave me before he died broke. thankfully it happened in my car so i wasn’t unable to find it like the last one. but i’m trying to decide if i need to stop wearing it now. Dad died ten years ago and i feel almost like part of me hasn’t moved forward because he hasn’t seen any of this with me. He didn’t get to see his granddaughters or watch me wear my fuzzy hat when i finished my degree or get to have a long conversation with me on how historic it was that Barak Obama was elected president during his lifetime when dad’s grandparents had been sharecroppers. i miss him so much but i don’t know if the necklace is helping do anything but keep me in that space of missing him.

i’m tired and i feel out of sorts as you can tell from this rambling. i’ll try to do better about posting, but clearly i can’t make any promises.