A million years ago I wrote a poem called Surfacing. I wrote it around the time I was finally feeling free of a vanilla relationship. I tend to cocoon myself when I’m healing. However this time frame it felt like I was drowning and couldn’t get my breath. Then suddenly I was surface side up and was feeling better. In a weird coincidence, I’ve been trying to get back to that place permanently and the same vanilla ex that triggered my burial inadvertently triggered this release and rebalancing. He is running for office and shared a campaign video. The more he talked the more it seemed like I literally never knew that person. He’s not using the same name, his voice sounds off to me now. Like it felt like I was watching a legitimate stranger. This is not someone I briefly knew. We were together for a while and I had to remind him he was married when we arbitrarily saw each other later. I had a random thought that sunk in over the last 24 hours. Unless we are in it for the long haul we only know a certain version of a person. I knew the cocky, flirty, bordering on arrogant version of him that was settling down because he should not necessarily because he wanted to do so. He literally invited me to be his party favor at his bachelor party and then to spend the week with him draining his balls repeatedly after he got his vasectomy to rid himself of all his little swimmers. By that point I was good and over him but I remember when he got married trying to figure out why I wasn’t the woman he was going to be cheating on ROFLMAO. That’s some fucked up head space to be in.
I was there again off and on. Realistically, it doesn’t matter why any of my exes are not my current. I don’t think any of us did anything dramatically wrong. It didn’t work for a variety of reasons. I think I’ve finally settled into the place where I know that I have to love me more than I love the idea of what could have been and what might be in the future. I’m healthy, well employed, got an active passport and places to go. If someone shows up to join me on the journey great but I have a journey to take all the same. I felt amazing all day. I ended up taking to someone else that was more productive than I expected. Now I can just remember to breathe and enjoy whatever comes my way. So thanks to my bald bearded ex for continuing to be the catalyst for change in my life again.