I have spent the last week trying to get my body to behave. I went home to see my niece graduate but that meant traveling with my mother while my body was in an active autoimmune flare, driving 20/25 minutes each morning and evening to get to a hotel room, having to find a new hotel after the first made me itchy, spending money I hadn’t planned on spending, being blindsided by old lady plotting and not snapping on people because again body is on 1000 when I would like it to not be. Thankfully, I was able to see my doctor mid week and got several injections that made my body finally calm the fuck down. I slept comfortably for the first time in two weeks on Wednesday. Too bad I had worked, still had to do grocery shopping and was still trying to get myself together overall. I fell asleep mid day today (yesterday really) for the first time in I can’t tell you when and I didn’t feel bad about it. I’m yawning now which means I need to wrap this up soon and enjoy being tired before I pass out. I had to push through this weekend. I didn’t not have to push myself this week so I didn’t. I did what needed to be done and I not only granted myself permission to rest, but I did so when I needed to.
In all of that new found resting, there have been some crazy ass dreams that I’m not about to get into with this post but it made me reach out to my ex to work through them. We had agreed to check in on Monday and that didn’t happen. By the time I did hear from him I had slipped back into peak December baby mode. If I ask for help and you aren’t readily available, I will just deal with it myself. I saw a meme earlier about carrying in a piano on my own if I was pissed enough. Probably not a baby grand but a smaller one would just get punted into the crib cause the fuck am I gonna keep asking you for help for. I need to work on that. I was thinking it was was time for another stint in therapy but really the dream doesn’t mean anything. It’s just crazy leftover brain matter. I did just see one of those short vertical dramas about rebuilding silently and without drama. Those are the ones that tend to appeal to me in general because I don’t really enjoy drama. If you tell me you don’t want me for whatever reason, I may ask about why but within a shockingly brief period of time I will absolutely vanish from your life.
That’s where I am now. My body needed to recover so my brain could get back to things but I have hit another period of just loving on myself and not being concerned about who or what may be waiting on the other side of this story. I need to clean up the room, get my loc appointment scheduled and figure out what I’m wearing to the concert but other than that I don’t have any demands that I have of the universe. I just want to make sure that I’m good and that I don’t forget that I am worthy and valuable regardless of what my dating life looks like.
Y’all be good.