Life is a funny thing some days. My life is funnier than I think it has any right to be periodically. It’s cold, snowing and I went into nesting mode this weekend. I cooked soup and pizza cause we didn’t want the same things. I baked cinnamon rolls after I made my pizza dough. Both from scratch. I entertained my mother’s foolishness. I slept well enough. I chatted with my niece. I was disappointed in the senate leadership. I listened to music in my head and I washed and folded a shit ton of clothes. Some I hung up but I need more hangers. Some I put up but I really do need to reorganize my shit. There’s things I’m never wearing and I need to quit holding room for them. I also checked to see if an old friend was okay. He’s not reaching out to me so I couldn’t say and I was genuinely worried about his well-being because the last time we chatted he wasn’t in a good place. I can’t say he’s in a better one right now. But I can say he’s among the living which I was concerned about based on our last chat. In discovering that though, I reminded myself of myself in the best/worst way.
See I used to check on that friend a lot. It calmed my anxiety because part of my brain kept saying he’s the person. You just gotta sort out whatever this is. Even when it was clear he was not going to be the person intellectually, my heart was dumb as fuck. She/it eventually kinda just went dormant. There was no one to abuse her/it so no need to fixate on giving it away. Men proved to be less interesting so there was no fear of one of them thawing her out. I saw that old friend last year and the connection was still as intense as it ever was but in the spirit of Sam Smith “I’m way too good at good byes.” I didn’t used to be. I mean not really.
My friends would say that red has a cut off game that is impeccable. On one level that’s true. When I’m done, I’m done done. The problem is if you are really important to me it takes too long for me to be done done. I checked on him a few weeks ago just to make sure he was alive. I’m not sure why I needed to check today but I did a deeper scroll and yeah I am remembering that red’s cut off game is impeccable. I could belt at that song full throated right now.
But every time you hurt me, the less that I cryAnd every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dryAnd every time you walk out, the less I love youBaby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true