The title may be shocking for those of you are not connected to Jill Scott and her amazingness. This quote from her is not new but a video is recirculating that keeps the words resonating with me. I’ll see if I can find a clip and embed it but I’m definitely about to share the words.
“If you can TELL me what to do, you can tell me what to do. But if you CAN’t tell me what to do, you can’t tell me what to do” -Jill Scott
The whole clip provides more context but I felt just the words in a way that most of us on the right side of the slash would. I am used to being in charge of people, places and things. It’s required at work and it ends up being what I do in other organizations. I just heard from a young woman that was at a training I gave a few weeks ago about how much better the environment was and that they were having conversations they hadn’t had before my conversation. That makes me happy of course but I also didn’t think that wouldn’t happen. Folks may be mad when I stop talking but they keep talking about me so maybe their point of view will change. If I’m not running point somewhere or with something, it’s because I have opted to stand down or take a smaller role. I don’t want to be in charge of stuff all the time even though it happens. A different event needed a stall because we were waiting on our speaker and I pivoted into place and we had a great mini conversation until they were able to arrive. I say all that to say, being in charge is my default role in 95 percent of my life. I have LITERALLY. NO. FUCKING. DESIRE. TO. DO. THAT. IN. MY. RELATIONSHIPS.
I knew that when I was still in the vanilla world dating badly. And while I didn’t pick the best folks for me in some cases, the bigger issue was I couldn’t articulate what Jill had so clearly. I will walk over the wrong folks and most vanilla men will not put me in my place. At the end of my sophomore year in college, I finally cut off things with my HS ex. It was long overdue and it was freeing in ways I couldn’t entirely explain. I had definitely cheated on him but, and this is not meant to be even slightly petty, he started it by hooking up with his ex who went AWOL to be with him. He could have been a Dom if he wasn’t so bad at the execution of things. When he couldn’t be the person immediately directing me or meeting my needs or having me at his beck and call, he went back to her because she was always going to be in the wings waiting to take care of him. After four years of uneven dynamics, I said fuck that and spent the next few years fucking freely and catching feelings at the wrong time for the wrong people. Wrong because we were all in hoe phases and because while one might have been a switch the other was more submissive than I was in terms of taking direction. Oh but his tongue might make a bitch lose her religion so there’s that. But in the middle of my hoeing, one of them challenged me and invoked my petty.
He was upset that I wasn’t at his place when he came home or that I was getting ready to leave–can’t remember which right now and it really doesn’t matter to the story. He essentially said that no matter who I was with or thinking about being with that his dick should outrank everyone else. That made me laugh, hard. I mentioned it to a friend who was familiar with my hoe tendencies and she said you really should have a private club for all these men and give them a pecking order that they can work themselves up or down through making you cum. That sounded like a fantastic idea to me. So I made one up. Hold on let me see if I can find the old application. I haven’t found it yet but I did find the old billing statements. Each level of access had a orgasm deficit that needed to be met in order to get to the next level and thus more access to me. Only two folks leveled out at the top and both wanted their cards attesting to that fact. The aforementioned anal sex god was one of them and he was the jumping off point for all of this really. He’s also the only person who abused his “can interrupt anyone else you fucking to fuck you myself” privilege. Technically, I was wrapping up with one dude when I got ASG’s text so it wasn’t really the flex he wanted to be. The other time dude was mid stroke and making me sleepy to be honest. That’s not a good thing unless you’ve also spanked me. If you are just fucking me and we ain’t been at it all night the last thing you want to see is me yawning. I’m like the Energizer Bunny when the dick is good. So I started gripping the fuck out of him until he came and then got up and said I needed to go study or some shit. I think that was the night that ASG literally made me cum so much I lost the ability to speak for a few hours. Partially because I was being an ass and partially because I made him wait longer than he thought he should have had to wait. But a bitch had to wash off the disappointing dick first. What you should take from all of that is maybe not immediately clear but it is directly related to what Jill said earlier. DD couldn’t help that he wasn’t knocking the bottom out like he envisioned. Other women were likely impressed. He was good and girthy like I like em but he had no dick game and he couldn’t have seduced me if he tried. He was there when I needed to get off and didn’t want to do it alone but he was never going to be a dude that could tell me what to do and it not work out badly for him. Whereas, ASG had me doing flips on the dick and truly becoming a three hole slut. Had he had better impulse control and figured out how to harness his command of me there’s no limit to what could have happened. But he didn’t so we are left with a slightly more disappointing version of Jill’s statement because he had the tools just not the skill/will.
That brings me to now. Almost. I was once a girl with two Doms, simultaneously. Neither was local because my schedule is goofy and my life is in the middle of a red state that shouldn’t suck the way it does sometimes. I’m not sure either was thrilled about it but I thought both could challenge me in new ways. And that did happen just not in the ways I anticipated. One couldn’t tell me what to do. I heard his “commands” as requests and not ones that made any sense to me most of the time. I’m not a texting gal so asking me to text you when I got up, got to work, or got home was probably gonna result in frustration–for you when I just plain forgot. There was no intention to be disrespectful but it felt silly. Same thing with journaling for him, or making myself available for vacations or having any interest whatsoever in some other things he really enjoyed. He could only really control me when were physically in the same place. In my mind, I started thinking of him as Bam Bam. His domination of me had to be physical and overwhelming otherwise it didn’t exist. He thought it was because he told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me too soon. It wasn’t that because who doesn’t want to be loved? It was literally because he couldn’t figure out how to tell me what to do so he couldn’t tell me what to do. Now the other one, read me like I had an owner’s manual that he had suddenly come into possession of upon us meeting. He picked up on the nuances in my submission and figured out for all of my babygirl, giggly, fuck toy, pain slut energy what I was craving was debasement. Ordering me to journal would have lost my interest quickly–he got that. Ordering me to journal about the orgasms he wanted me to have every hour on the hour and how exhausted I was before bed and how I couldn’t move without my clit catching fire and thinking about him was much more satisfying to both of us. He got to control me from a distance and I felt naked and exposed by someone who wanted to know I functioned so he could keep tinkering with that functionality. Within a few days of us meeting I was naked on Skype masturbating because he wanted to see me cum. I didn’t hesitate and I didn’t balk. He watched me fuck myself until I had one of the hardest orgasms I’d ever had. He made me crave his control and in doing so there was never a moment he could not have controlled me if he wanted to do so. Problem for me was distance and he had some things going on that I couldn’t/shouldn’t have competed with. And thus we have a single masochistic, degradation, debasement, control. mental domination craving subbie girl listening to Jill Scott try to explain what she needs to folks that don’t even know she’s needy.
I’ve interacted with a few folks since those splits happened. Most of them fall under the BUT portion of Jill’s quote. Nice men, very respectful who likely would have treated me well. And I do want to be treated well, my well just functions in a different context and requires a very specific skill set. I’ve babbled on enough but I’m hopeful that the next man who has the skill set to tell me what to do doesn’t wait too long to spark a craving in my mind.