okay probably not actually. i’m jut letting the music massage my brain after a long day and a desire to not be frustrated. it’s been playing since i came home and started having dinner. have run the gamut of genres with the only connective thread that i feel better listening to them than i don’t. the only mostly adhered to rule thus far is no artist gets to play a bunch in a row. a few people have played twice but mostly it’s bouncing from one person to another.

brain just had a click. i was talking about relationship baggage earlier and how we aren’t really ready for a new connection until we got back down to a carry on. i take time to purge myself between dynamics but the baggage i’ve been holding on to is probably some of the most destructive. i know i’ve struggled with insecurity a lot in relationships. a lot of that is because my parents relationships were jacked up. both when they were with each other and when they were with new people later. i watched them be good people and get shit for their trouble. i watched, more in my dad’s case, their partners be good people and my parent being unable to receive that. his own insecurity blocking that from being more than it was.

i’ve convinced myself that “he” won’t stay before we become an us. i used to do that more blatantly when i was specifically dating vanilla. sorry got distracted by the guitar entry to change by the deftones. i cannot play the guitar at all but a few songs make me wish i could. if you’re wondering if you know the song, if you’ve seen Queen of the Damned this is the song that’s playing during the bathtub scene with Stuart Townsend and Aaliyah or Lestat and Akasha. ok back to what i was saying. when i was a vanilla dating gal, i used to call my partners my future ex husbands. some laughed and embraced it. others got frustrated that i was divorcing us before we got married. i didn’t marry any of them at least so there’s that.

i feel immensely more vulnerable and exposed when i am submitting to someone. and my feelings are raw and exposed. i live for the affirmation that i am indeed a good girl and can just as easily die in the metaphorical sense if there is a disconnect. i don’t know why i’m just realizing this. maybe it’s the submissive guide prompts i’ve been doing. maybe it was the dumb thing i did earlier combined with the music. maybe it’s just time for me realize some shit. who knows but yeah submissive me is venturing to show you my soft underbelly and hoping you don’t gut me. however, i’m so paranoid when i see something shiny near you that i lash out or hide or cry and confuse you. you being my dominant partner in the metaphorical sense again here since i’m single.

i want to be present in the submissive role without worrying about when i will be left. i want to serve in a confident fashion and grow both through letting my boundaries be pushed but also because the connection i have with my dominant partner makes it easy for that growth to occur. i want to be secure in that service and not be worried that my dominant partner will be ready to replace me the moment the beat changes and i’m struggling a bit. i also want to be able to say i’m struggling and that be received and nurtured. i think i want a lot but not a lot at the same time. part of this is on me to continue to do better and leave that baggage alone. it’s not mine to carry anymore. it never really was. i’m flawed but not unlovable. i’m a mess sometimes but i am a loving mess. this may be the last song for the night. it feels like a good place to let me thoughts settle.

i can’t drink you, i can’t drink you away
i can’t drink you, i can’t drink you away
i can’t drink you, i can’t drink you away
i’ve tried jack, i’ve tried jim, i’ve tried all of their friends

tell me baby, do they make a medicine for my heartbreak