I wish I felt better about my place in kink right now. I’m accomplishing so many other things that I was excited about doing from last year now except this feels like a heavy weight sitting on my chest with no way to let it go. I threw away lots of old things today. I’ll continue doing that over the next few days and weeks as we really get ready to start life anew. In the middle of that, I went and read something I wrote to a former Dom and it gutted me. Thinking about it now is making me tear up again. The amount of raw emotion in it cannot be described and I don’t know why they were able to evoke that in me to such a degree. I’m an emotional sub. If you’ve been around here for any length of time you know that already. I love my Doms deeply in most cases which is why I have been reluctant to engage anyone now. I know they aren’t what I want and I don’t want to settle for a portion of the ideal partner. I’ve done that already. Having a piece of a partner is unsatisfying. Having a partner that isn’t fully able to be present with me is unsatisfying. Having a partner that can only engage my mind or my body but not both is unsatisfying. I have said before I get why GN and the Dutchman did what they did in marrying non kinky partners and my desire not to repeat that jacked up cycle but I don’t know that waiting for my perfect Dominant partner is worth it anymore. This last year would have been so much better with a supportive and engaged partner. I haven’t had that in so long. The writing prompts have just laid bare that I am single with no protocols, no training and no prospects who has to hide her interests in BDSM to safeguard the rest of her life. It’s all added up to a depressive letdown that I hope starts to go away after I fall asleep in my new bedroom at the end of the week. It may not but a girl can dream right?