This post is probably gonna be rambling after I respond to the prompt: write a letter to yourself five years ago.
October 2016 wow, the timing on these things is intriguing. The election has not happened yet but you are worried and you were right about all the concerns you had about the country. You can do little to fix them and things will get much worse before they even begin to crest towards better. The other thing that you don’t know right now is those men you love so fiercely will start slipping away from you very soon. To be clear, you may have been slipping away from them first. You were annoyed that Mr. Wolf was not the Dutchman and vice versa if I’m being honest. You wanted things from each of them they could not give you. Part of why you didn’t get those things is because you can’t make people be who you want them to be. You have told clients that forever. You have to love who the person is in front of you not who you want them to be. You struggle with that yourself though and you need to give them some slack for your disappointment. The other reason you don’t get those things is more complex.
Part of why you love submission and submitting is because someone else is responsible for all those thoughts that bounce around in your head. Their care of you assures you that you are wanted, desired, and most of all safe. It’s not that you are afraid all of the time but you aren’t secure in relationships with anyone. You are desperately afraid that people will abandon the real you so you don’t let them close. And let’s be honest–the version you give them isn’t always nice. She’s focused, competent and can get things done but she is not always friendly. People have taken advantage of that friendliness I know but that’s a different issue and it’s not one you cause. Scared you is needy though and can be clingy. That’s not who your partners get enamored of but it’s the person you give them eventually. At your core, our core, we want protection mixed with a personality that skirts the edge of what is amoral, intense and psychologically charged. We want a teddy bear who may metaphorically push us off a shelf into the abyss and then provide us a safe place to land when everything is all over. Had you been able to mesh the two of them you would have been in love with the world instead of just in love with love. You keep holding on to tenuous thing and really need to recognize that not everyone is going to love the way you do or love you at all. And that’s okay. If they don’t then they are no your person no matter how much they fit into a portion of your teddy bear fantasy. You need a man that claims you full out and understands the nuances of your psyche so that when he pushes your buttons it doesn’t leave you an emotional wreck for the rest of the day. You may not have found him yet. Or if you have–you haven’t been honest with him yet so he cannot be what it is you need. I can’t say let your freak flag fly girl because we still gotta eat. But stop being afraid. Ask for what you need and if they don’t want to give that to you or legitimately cannot give that to you then stop pressing the issue and move on.
Love you to the depths of our kinky dark souls,
So this prompt along with my other activity today led me to the same place. I’m bitter about things that I have to do in order to function and I’m bitter about the things that I’m not getting as a result. I cannot alter things with my mother. She is my biggest source of anxiety and stress. She is not going to magically improve over the next few years. If I’m lucky she won’t decline too much. What I need is someone who can help share that load or check on me or beat me until I’m bruised and then fuck me into a stupor and I’m legit angry that the only people that have ever understood that balance even a little are not available to me now. When Mr. Wolf called me Harley, it was totally a term of affection but really I get Harley. She just wanted to be good at her job and runs into a challenge she’s not prepared for in The Joker. I used to say she crumbled in the face of his manipulation but maybe she just gave into her darker side when someone offered to show her the sights. He gave her an out from the demands and constraints of being a good girl by society’s standards and let me just say that’s kind of fucking intoxicating. I’m a little jealous if I’m being honest. Yes he tried to kill her repeatedly but he never went through with it and when she finally had enough she ditched him. You don’t have to stay at the dance with the person that brought you if they refuse to act right lol. Right now I need to balance my needs out with the demands on my time and figure out where a partner fits at all.