i’m still struggling

I am tired.  A year plus of working in masks, trying to do my job well, not murdering dumb people who won’t wear masks, not traveling, having to pivot with little to no warning, and fighting with my body is killing me.  I’ve been bugging my mother to massage my scalp.  It helps with hair growth but more important it makes me relax.  It’s momentary and doesn’t fix the inevitable weirdness that pops up later.  I really want to have slow intense sex for several hours until I fall into a coma.  There’s no one around to do that with though and I have no desire to search for them in this precise moment.  Part of that is just really sheer exhaustion and the other part is the realization that I still have these random pangs for a relationship that apparently was destined to not be what I wanted it to be.  I nearly came here and just vomited up all of those angsty feelings but remembered that it doesn’t help me to keep rehashing it.  It won’t be the first time that I was all in and things just fizzled.  Especially since most days whatever that pang is doesn’t exist.  It’s normally late at night when I’m trying to sort through something in my head and I know they would make me feel better.  Ahh well.  Eventually this will sort itself out or I’ll be so old I just won’t care.  I’ll miss the spankings though.

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