Old Mattresses and Old Loves


I’ve been meaning to post for a few days and honestly sheer exhaustion has kicked in each time.  Work is busy and I have been playing tennis most of the last month so yeah by my nighttime relaxation kicks in I’m ready for unconsciousness and not a lot else.  As I was changing the sheets today, I noticed the spot that I camp out in is of course denting in the bed.  Because of how my bed is situated in my current bedroom I don’t flip it as often as I should but I think the flipped side has the same issue.  That got me to wondering about how old my mattress is.  I remember getting it not too long after I moved into our current home but not exactly when.  And I remembered that mostly because it was around the time that I met the Dutchman on Fetlife.  The day the bed was delivered I think was the first day we saw each other naked which is no small feat since we were still several thousand miles away but the energy he inspired in me was intoxicating.  I had to go dig out the message to be certain but it was about seven years ago now.  Reading over some of them reminds me of why I feel head over heals for him and why part of me will always miss him.  However, I can’t hold on to memories when I wanna snuggle at night so it brings me to the point of the post.

I gave an interview to someone working on their dissertation.  It made me really ponder on being single, what I was looking for in a partner and if I was actively looking.  For the most part I enjoy being single.  There’s no disappointment in flying solo and I know I’m not always the best partner.  And I’m super not actively looking but I almost never am when I meet someone.  Part of why I’m not actively looking though is I know more completely that I need a dominant partner who is confident in themselves and emotionally available more often than not.  I mean we all have walkabouts mentally and emotionally where we cannot handle anyone’s stuff but our own.  I can appreciate that especially if you give me a head’s up and say you know what shit is hitting the fan, I’ll try to check in soon.  Or life is imploding but thinking about tying you up makes my dick hard.  Ok not my dick because I don’t have one but you get the point.  It also made me think about why I don’t date women and I think I’ve said it before but in case I haven’t when I think about cuddling, or being dominated, or goofing off on the couch with someone that person is also male.  I want to fold into their hardness.  And yes I may be able to do that with a woman but that physical form would distract from what I find attractive about women.  That could also be because I have yet to find a woman that gets me off the same way men have.  I don’t mean in the same way I just mean with the same frequency or intensity.  I’ve been sleeping with women just a few years shorter than with men, given not as often, but I still need something else to push me over the edge than just her attention.  

So there I am pondering and wondering which added with today’s pondering made me wistful.  I like being swept up in the intense emotions of a new love and the easy friendship of a genuine partnership.  I don’t enjoy watching those things disappear as the relationship marches on.  It’s beyond frustrating because it takes so little to keep things together sometimes.  But thus far I haven’t been able to master that skill.  So here I am, approaching eight years after a chance comment on a thread ended up exposing me to parts of my submission that I could not have guessed about.  I miss that intensely.  However, I can’t predict when that lightening bolt will hit again or if it will at all. Until then, I am just relegated to enjoying free porn and smutty stories.

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