Ben & Jerry’s are my besties

I should be asleep.  I’m up eating ice cream instead, Whiskey Biz to be exact.  I have a presentation to give in the morning and while I will probably be fine, my mouth can get reckless when I haven’t slept as much as I need to sometimes.  I’m not sure it will matter in this situation but hey whatever it’s good to prepare when we can.  I need to modify another presentation to give on Thursday then I don’t have to be “on” for a few days.  My locs are hitting the three year mark this weekend basically, I think I started them officially on the 26th of June but that’s the middle of the week and I don’t have time for that.  My hair is actually long enough that it can tickle my back now which I like more than I thought I would.  I’m still debating the length it needs to stay at in order for me to not be freaking out.  I still think I’m gonna let it grow out so that all locs are the same length and then go from there.  I’ve been debating something else.  Totally deleting my Fetlife account.  I’ve looked around a few times lately and no one is really missing me, they weren’t when I was active on there though let’s be honest, and I don’t think I’ll find another partner there.  I know what I’m looking for as I mentioned previously but not where to find him and I don’t know if I’m ready to risk outing all of my personal business to find my ideal partner.  I even contemplated using a matchmaker at one point but let me tell you my pockets ain’t deep enough for the ones I found online that were Black women.  Plus, saying he needs to be all these very generic things oh and be a stable, less stalkery, more realistic version of Mr. Gray seems like a bridge too far for the average person.  I seriously wish someone would create that kind of service though.  I know it’s probably stupid on my part to worry about being outed by partners with nothing to lose but I have dated the folks I have because they respect my work enough to not wild out in that way.  Honestly, I’m gun shy too.  I want someone but I don’t want to put myself out there again.  It’s exhausting.  And COVID plus racism on steroids has me tired enough.  I miss the stupidity of college when all I needed was a hard dick with some staying power.  And it’s always more comforting to think about hooking up with an ex because I already know their issues.  But it’s not logical to keep dipping back into the past and hoping for a better outcome.  This isn’t a Hallmark movie after all.  That would be nice because within a few weeks or months of me having my reconnect or meet cute moment, we’d both realize there was no one else in the world for either of us.  A girl can dream right, if she ever gets back to sleep.

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