i’m sitting here exhausted, relieved and crying. mom had a crisis and i had messed up dreams hoping she’d be okay. i’ve given six or seven talks for my job in the last twelve weeks. i’ve had to lead the charge on a few things while worrying about my job options. and i’m upset because while i knew something would likely go a certain way i was still hopeful it may turn out a different way. i really miss my dad and talking to folks that clearly care about me that i don’t have to hunt down first. i miss having community and being taken care of by someone that loves me. i would really like to just be back on my dad’s sofa, watching tennis or cartoons or science fiction and talking about life while he rubbed my hair and let me fall asleep. but that won’t happen and no one is going to come save me from myself.