I’ve been fighting off illness as I have been thinking about the universe the last few weeks. It comes and goes. I sound like a troll, get better, sleep a lot and start the process all over. That’s been the last few months with random temperature shifts and too much stress which culminated in my last post about needing a break. That wasn’t the only reason of course but when you’re bone tired and something else presents itself it was time for a shut down. I didn’t even have the benefit of a lot of extra work to do in order to distract myself because for once I actually balanced my schedule well. But since I needed sleep anyway that hasn’t been a bad thing. I’ve been listening to music with the woman who spawned me and chilling and needing to clean up my room before the floors are redone but really I’ve been able to process the non curve curve ball. That will make more sense in a bit but I have to thank the folks in my life for being them and making me giggle when needed.
I haven’t been posting about submission or being submissive or my relationship in a long while really. And most of that is because I haven’t had time to even really contemplate submitting over the last eighteen months. My work is what long ago dominant Emperor called something that makes me a “textbook” submissive. Type A persona to the outside world and wanting to snuggle up to my partner in the evening. I went with that because it sounded accurate. I’m not sure that it is. My work is intense, ever changing and hectic and I LOVE it more often than I don’t. But it’s hell on a relationship. The only time it was not as big of an issue is when I was living with Mr. Good Nyte and even then we had to plan a date night so we could just focus on us for an evening.
My partners can’t help with the work they can do and usually I am so tired when I get done for the day that I want to eat, debrief and go to bed. Talking to any adult human not in my house is not a priority. It totally should be but it is not. In vivo I’m a fantastic submissive. In practice, as my career becomes more substantial, I’m a bad partner. I’ve realized a thing or two about that as well. So this will be a jumble of free flowing stuff. Part of why I’m a bad partner in the day to day sense is the things that will make me slow down and reconnect are hard for people to pinpoint. I’ve established several times that I am in lots of ways an atypical girl so the things that other people would love I don’t even register. Calling or messaging to check in on me can seem annoying because I don’t wanna chat. I wanna sleep. Talking about why I’m tired or what is going on just makes me more tired. Others see that as effort and attention for me it can be an inconvenient energy drain. That’s kind of suckage on my part but it’s true.
What I need or think I need is something that makes me stop or slow down, like date night did, and that’s potentially harder to arrange from a distance. Setting up a massage though would have been heavenly. Or hooking up a mani/pedi day. Or having food sent to the house on a night I was working late and likely unwilling to cook. I’m not someone that has to see or talk to my folks all the time if I care about them but again that’s bad for relationships. My best friends I have known for decades and we can go literal months without talking to each other but when we do it’s like literally no time as passed and we are still besties.
After the non curve curve ball I was pretty sure I just shouldn’t date period. I like my life even when things work my nerves in it. I don’t easily make room for people in it and I am almost allergic to the traditional female gender role unless something peculiar happens. And honestly thinking about it in retrospect to my past relationships I feel kinda silly but if it doesn’t happen the relationship will probably sputter and die at some point. I don’t think I’ll date for a while. I need to take care of me and figure out what I need and where I’m willing to bend in a relationship. I can’t ask someone to give me something I haven’t clearly defined. I just know I should have been more realistic and prevented the curve in the first place. Avoiding a conversation because you don’t want to hurt someone just ends up hurting someone.
Life and love are always tricky for me and that has made for an interesting last decade plus in the lifestyle. One day I’ll nail it or I won’t. I smell steaks cooking now so it’s time to get my grub on. Have a great holiday season.