Anyone who has been around here for a while knows I listen to music as much as I can and firmly believe that some songs pop up when I need to hear them. It’s raining right now. Slow, soft, enough to make me miss people I cared about but not so much that I’m worried about the roof leaking. I can’t say hi to either one of them. They are gone from my plane of existence so really I’m left with memories and music. You may or may not listen to a lot of older R&B music but let me let you in on the song currently cycling all out of order in my head. If you aren’t in the mood to listen to the song you can grab the lyrics here.
So as I am sitting here being lulled into reverie by the rain drops it occurs to me that I used to belt this song out in the car, the apartment the wherever with so much passion that you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t Jill. But hearing it now, and a few days ago, I realized that I never really gave power to the words in the way that I should. I could and did lose myself in the stanzas I can pay my own light bill baby, put my own gas in my own car…..but around the lines that trip me up now and should have then are the same ones that get me in trouble constantly when it comes to my relationships are firmly embedded in the chorus. I need you yeah sometimes so hard to say….I love deeply when I love. I want their love in return. I want to wake up and be halfway ugly and they still pull me close and kiss my funky morning breath face hello, I want to be what they desire of me and in return get what I desire of them but need trips me up each and every time. Need, as I’ve mentioned, implies dependence and while you should be dependable you are likely not going to be the first person I consult on some things just because you lack the expertise or you are going to say something like do whatever you think is best and that wasted a lot of time. I have had more than one person including my former, and current, partners get frustrated by that and I apologize but the one thing I can’t give someone is neediness.
I found myself swaying in the car the other day when the song started playing and I literally stopped cold in my song styling when it got to I need you yeah because it felt like I was being a fraud. Hell I felt fraudulent singing I can kill the spider above my bed even though it’s hard because I’m scared. Spiders only scare me if they are scrambling out reach or are gigantic. Normal spiders just get murdered on sight. My lack of need and insistence on wanting being a superior position for most men has often made people think I was cold or uncaring. Truthfully I can be a big old pile of mush in the right circumstances but it’s typically not with my partners either cause crying uncontrollably is generally not sexy. They get my happy. They might get my angry. They can have my sarcastic and dry humor. My need yeah got nothing there. Unless it’s need for sexy time and yeah that is a need one could fill but if I only need you for sexy time and don’t want to be bothered with you the rest of the time that’s not a good luck either. I like being able to joke and be silly and analyze the hell out of song lyrics or movie lines or bad WWE storylines–like seriously fire some of the writers, when I can figure shit out it frustrates me–because that’s when you can get to my soft underbelly and see really chill me. Okay I’m rambling now. Gonna listen to the rain and watch tape delayed tennis. Follow my blog with Bloglovin