Censoring Myself?!?!?

That title will sound crazy.  After I all, I own this domain, have been writing for a VERY long time using it and at the moment am single so why would censorship even be something on my mind at the moment.  Well I’ll tell you why lol.  Most of the time that I have had this blog I’ve been in a relationship with someone.  Very rarely have I been good and single and when I was I was trying to be mindful of not beating up on my former partners.  Now that may not have been accomplished but it was my attempt at the time.

Now that I’ve been single for a while and am “dating” in the D/s sense then it’s been a balancing act for me on what to share about whom and when.  If I spend a long weekend with a potential Dom do I discuss that here or leave those memories for just the two of us?  If I have a particularly flirty conversation with another potential Dom do I enjoy the wet panties or do I gush in the figurative sense about it?  Really it’s never been an issue before because there was ONE person interested and I could sort out if it was a good fit or not. 

My time in singlehood has taught me a few things as well.  While I can identify who I am now much better in terms of what I hope to represent as a submissive, I can’t say that those disparate parts would fit with any Dom that would be interested in me.  For example, one may respond more to my playful babygirl side while another may be enamored of my wanton slutty side and yet another may be fascinated by the nerdy side that slips into either one of those other two aspects.  And if I am perfectly honest those parts of me respond to each of them differently.  One of them makes me giggle and feels safe and I want to make him happy when we’re together and keep him calm when we’re not.  Another has the ability to tap into my brain in ways I have fully not understood or experienced.  I have great conversations with all of them but one surprises me repeatedly.  And there’s others I just like looking at because visually they give me this completely physical rush that makes me borderline whorish.  I’m glad they don’t live near me, any of them honestly, because having those energies fired back up this year has left me out of sorts more than once.  There was a point in time I considered begging them to find a way to meld into one super Dom lol or develop a system by which I could serve them all.  I know that’s not really possible even in the most ideal of lives because ultimately I do want to be owned and serve a Dom not six (just to be clear there are not six in play at all, due somewhat to what I mentioned in my last post there is really just one with some floaters who continue to intrigue me).

I still don’t have an answer to my own question.  Sharing this tonight is more than I’ve done in a while with regards to how I see the pursuit back into a long term commitment.  I can envision what I want and I see a lot of it within the people I am interacting with now.  It’s not 100 percent in anyone but it never is.  The question that remains is whether what is missing can be learned or can be learned to live without?  That will still take more time to figure out but I hope to continuing to enjoy the process to get back to a stable point.  I am amazed at how much I’ve learned about myself in the last few months and how much more secure I feel in my submission thanks to the interactions I’ve had since I came out of my self imposed sabbatical. 

What do you do as you sort out your feelings on issues or people?

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