i have a headache

and it’s one that i should have known was coming as soon as i grabbed the old woman that gave birth to me at the airport. it started with how tired she was after flying–ignored it. it continued with a twenty minute conversation about what it was she wanted to eat full of long pauses and seemingly little thought on her part–got irritated but let it go. it carried on with complaints about why my dissertation chair was so close to me in one of the pictures while we were walking down the center aisle to our seats–stared at her and shook my head but ignored it. the rest of the evening wasn’t that bad and really we joked around for a bit and let it go. today though, praise the good Lord above i tried, she came in midday to ask why i wasn’t up and dressed because she wanted to go somewhere. i never said we were going anywhere. then tonight after i put dinner in the oven she came back to visit me and ask me when EXACTLY we were moving out of here because she couldn’t take a few more weeks of children making a minor amount of noise above her head. now let me say that i don’t know what it is like for my mother. she’s in her mid fifties and is depending on her children to help her live her life. she can’t drive, she can’t remember things from moment to moment and her own mother is losing her grasp on reality. logically i know those things must suck. emotionally i want her to be happy and to be like she was but then again i remember she’s not all that different than before the surgery. she’s never been the most accommodating person. if she doesn’t get what she wants she has cut people off and never spoken to them again all the while blaming it on them for some insignificant thing she must have done to not be “good enough” for them. she enjoyed my brother’s place because it was “so quiet” compared to here. i asked her then if she wanted to stay longer because i knew i wouldn’t be ready to move the minute she got back. i was actually trying to be polite and allow her to pick the place as well but yeah that’s not good enough either. part of me is prone to say fuck it, if she leaves i can find a two bedroom place closer to my job and just wait for Roaming Soldier and Littlest Soldier and i to reunite and we can live wherever we want without worrying about her. but we all know that even if she wasn’t here i’d worry about her. she’s my mother, i’m supposed to worry about her and in her selfishness right now she’s headed to a place that will not make sure she is okay and will bleed her dry financially. i called my brother and let him know what she’s doing and now i’m blogging. i took a nice big painkiller which is starting to kick in but that won’t get rid of the headache. what exactly am i supposed to do with this woman? she acts like a small child but she has more financial resources. i’m tired and she hasn’t even been home a day yet. if she packs and leaves will i really be all that upset? i’m not sure now lol. i wish He was here to help me figure this out or spank me. either way it would be better than this crap. gotta go check on dinner, see ya


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