discombobulated brat on the loose

if you want a nice well thought out post this is probably not the one to start reading. i am scattered. the framework is back up and life has resumed in a way that would make Molly proud BUT i feel all jumbled up at the same time. i know with great certainty that He is my future, it’s my present needs some fine tuning. i’m not sleeping–well if at all. i’m not unhappy but i’m not particularly on top of the world either. i’m just sort of here. i love my clients but my job is taxing my patience. i keep hearing this song and it makes me think of the people that are no longer in my life for whatever reason. listening to the lead singer explain it from his point of view–the song is about forgiveness–doesn’t make me think any less about why i have to hate someone to finally extricate them from my life. okay hate is strong. i have to get to the point that like in the song i’m wondering “how could you do this to me?” i’m by no means a saint but i try to treat people well so when i’m treated badly it throws me off to the nth degree. now some folks will have various opinions on that treating well thing. i’m not the sugar coating friend to be sure but i am the friend that will pick up the phone at 3 am, knowing i just fell asleep at 1 and have to be up by 7, just to make sure that you have a friendly voice when you need it. i don’t expect it in return and honestly i probably wouldn’t take anyone up on the offer. i clearly don’t keep things in lol as you can tell from this rambling but i don’t share everything with everyone. no reason i can’t i just won’t.

i still feel Him at night. His hand at the small of my back gives me comfort even when i do toss and turn for hours. and then i hug up with Daddy bear and snore until the morning. as i was driving home tonight from getting my hair done, it’s very cute by the way, i heard the aforementioned song and then i heard Nickelback’s new one–Far Away and it made me think of Him. i didn’t include the whole set of lyrics but the snippet that was most important to me is at the bottom of this post along with a quick clip from the video. it made me go looking for another song by 3 Doors Down, when i’m gone, because it stirs up the same emotion for me. but listening to it i realized something wasn’t quite right about the thought i was trying to convey. i clicked on the first video at the bottom only because i liked it too and wasn’t planning on doing anything with it but it fit more to the mindset i’m having right now. again the whole set of lyrics isn’t there just the most relevant piece with the entire video. is my life over because He’s not here? no, of course not. would i be immensely happier if He were? i’m about 99 percent sure the answer would be yes but damn i would be pissed about having to work and not being able to work through at least half of the cookie peddling stories. that brings me to the last bit of rambling i THINK.

i need a spanking. not a quick swat on the ass. i need a put me through my paces evening. it’s been months since i was used and now i feel like a bundle of nerves and tense and i’m getting bratty. but beyond that i’m pouting like an insolent child and that is even getting on my nerves. i want to go searching for my safeword even if i never use it. i want to be sore and bruised and smile that smile that only someone that enjoys this life can truly understand. even thinking about it now makes me grin a bit. but i’m not sure how to cure the restlessness right now. any ideas? k, i’m done now.

talk to ya soon,

Here Without You
Lyrics from 3 Doors Down’s Away from the Sun

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

Far Away
Lyrics from Nickelback’s All The Right Reasons

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

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