i’m feeling better now. i have been less than stable this last week. the student dying, me being so far away from Emperor and then the unexpected hormonal whirlwind that is my period all left me in a funk. i cried last night, like retardedly copiuos tears because i couldn’t think of a thing to make it right. i spend all of my time at work helping other people fix their lives. at 1AM this morning i couldn’t think of a thing to fix my own. it’s a horrible feeling which makes the distance even more annoying. He was bored at the function He attended and i needed to be doing something else. talking to Him, adoring Him, basking in the wonderment that is Him would have been a welcome respite from the solitude that is here in my silence. it was just overwhelming last night. thankfully i finally went to bed not too long after that last post. and i really am just waking up for good within the last few hours. the rest was good, i dreamt about Him and i woke up happy again. so interesting what unconsciousness and a good dream will do for you.
so i’m awake and reading. every site shares something different about what it is i hope to be able to do. each one sounds like they know the subject matter inside out. but at the end of the day the only person that can really tell me what i should be doing is Emperor. i know what i think of my options: sub/slave, either works for me because i’ll be serving Him. the difference really comes in the interpretation. can i just be an extremely devoted sub or at some point does that cross over into consensual servitude/slavery? Emperor thinks i’m already treading the end of the spectrum and most of the time i agree. if i didn’t i wouldn’t still be with Him or get so excited when He calls me His slave.
so for now i’m reconnected to my center and can be a good kitty. i do need to speak with Him about our visit and some other things. i’ll keep you posted. for now i need to do some organizing of things and getting back to the real world.