.:Thursday, August 28, 2008:.

-life is interesting-

well where do i begin? things with me have been in flux as usual. i've been denying to myself more than anyone else that i am mentally exhausted. i love my friends and family and job but i am tired. i'm tired of managing everything from what i wear to where i will park in the morning to what i will do when i come home in the evening knowing that most of what i want to do can't be done because there is no one to do it with. i want Him, i think i deserve Him and i need to understand (while i know i never will) why i can't have Him right now. my mother won't go to the movies with me and i really don't want to go out to eat with her. food is always more interesting to me at home when i can manage what goes in and out of it. and we can cancel the shopping 99 percent of the time. i might do some of that this weekend but i just as easily might stay under the covers. that's where i've been a lot lately. watching tv and researching things. i'm going to finish the alphabet game stories but for now keep them off the blog on the off chance a publisher i contact wants to do something with them. if they all say no then you will get a rush of smut for your eyes and hormones to devour.

beyond that it feels like i haven't talked to Daddy in forever. six months and counting since there's been a word from the desert. i've heard the "be strong" and "it will all be okay" and have even told myself "no news is good news" mantras quite enough now. i understand that life isn't fair. hell i have to help people understand that daily. but how much of the unfair does one have to endure before there are sunshine and roses? i'm happy most of the time really. but late at night it's hard to keep smiling when it's just me and the stuffed animals. i'm not even lonely at this point, i'm just getting indifferent to things in my own life. which is odd because when i get pictures of the kids in my life everything seems wonderful and possible. with the people i work with when i see them figure out there is a new way of doing things that inspires me. and then i'm left with my own blah and it's just all gone.

the other night i smiled my ass off because i watched a woman in love with her husband try to make the country fall in love with him too. for a myriad of reasons i hope she is successful so i don't have to start typing this blog from denmark or sweden or somewhere else because i'm not sure i can deal with another 4 years of republican rule. but beyond that for another few hours i was full of hope that love can overcome all things if given time. i'm just waiting to see if that happens to be the case for me too. ahh well i think i want some ice cream now. do the girl moody thing to a hilt why don't we?

Labels: life is so so, update, vent

Posted By red velvet at 7:23 PM

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.:Friday, November 16, 2007:.

-i want or the world is topsy turvy-

okay well not really topsy turvy. it's a bit different since mom is back now but that's okay at the moment. she brought my candy bar baby announcement for my niece and the announcement that my brother and sister in law created for the lovely bundle they created. they sent a big picture bundle as well that i need to have to converted over to a cd so i put her on display. well not really display. just put her in my office or something. that was all nice about mom coming back but the feeling of just general disconnect i've had lately hasn't going away.

i think i've been a little out of it in general because all the time she was gone i really didn't invest much energy into killing kittens. i walked around naked a lot well half naked in case someone knocked on the door and i needed to throw something on really quickly. i have just been kinda blah though. i want Him. i want Him to snuggle with and hear snoring in the bed next to me. i want to be thrown against the shower wall and struggle to keep my footing as He thrusts into me and makes me purr. i want lots of things that i can't have right now because He's not home. i watched The Unit this week and so shouldn't have. Hector's autopsy and memorial were just damn sad. i don't want to be the new chick who was just getting her relationship established only to have that person taken away with all the promise of the relationship shot to shit. i want to know how peaceful He is when He's sleeping soundly and how fast He'll move when i say i want a peanut butter cookie and a milk shake and some lo mein noodles at 3 in the morning in the 8th month of my pregnancy lol. i want the simple things and not so simple things and i want them yesterday but i'll settle for them tonight or tomorrow or the day after that. i want to know what His lips feel when He kisses me on the back of my neck. yeah that's what i want.

Labels: introspective, random, vent

Posted By red velvet at 9:35 PM

2 comments

.:Saturday, August 11, 2007:.

-i know i don't know you, but i want you so bad-

yeah my brain is going random on the maroon 5 lyrics. that's track 9 on their first cd--songs about jane--not remember if there was a real jane but you kick ass if you exist because that cd is still fierce many moons after it was released. i have been listening to it again the last few days and it made me think about Roaming Soldier. that just gave me a shiver lol. i have never been alone in a room with the man that has totally rearranged my life, my priorities, my wants and dreams. every time we thought, maybe this weekend--maybe in a few weeks--maybe by Christmas, we were bitch slapped by the cold hand of reality. normally a good slap on the ass is well hey all good lol but when it's not being delivered out of love then it's just kind of hollow. i'll admit my writing has improved quite a bit because of Him. my imagination has dug into all the unexplored nooks and crannies in my brain BUT that's left a few other nooks and crannies left empty and needy. needy really isn't the right word, more like hungry. i know more about Him than i've known about any man ever in the nearly 32 years i've been on this planet. but short of His rather amazing stature i could bump into Him on the street and not even recognize His smile. that seems so crazy to me when i say it or write it as the case may be but it also has never felt more perfectly right and necessary before in my life. i want to cease on the possibility He has gifted me with. which is what led me to the last song on the cd. sweetest goodbye is the name the song and it just made me think of the retarded nights i've spent crying myself to sleep since He's been gone and the afternoon both of us were too shell shocked by His departure to say much of anything like we were nervous teenagers again. regardless of the sanity of the act-the behavior and emotion hasn't waned in the nearly 18 months He's been in my life. so i'm posting these for you to listen to get where my head was at. had to get them on youtube as imeem is editing the hell out of things lately and you wouldn't get the point at all. both are just still photos with the songs playing but you need to hear adam's voice to understand the point.

Labels: vent, videos

Posted By red velvet at 1:12 AM

1 comments

.:Friday, July 27, 2007:.

-gonna wash that gray right out of my hair-

i really do have a crap load of gray hair. as soon as i finish this i'm going to go mix up my blowout burgundy and make my hair all nice and shiny again. i've had gray hair since i was 12, and while it wasn't really annoying at the time as they have gotten more plentiful and longer they are very not cool. i've been terribly moody lately. i miss Him more than i can say sometimes but i don't want to blab that all out every day. plus i don't want to even acknowledge it every day. that's so damn depressing. it does get me focused on other things sometimes but the last few hormonal days have just been a bitch. so instead of forgetting i've been wallowing and listening to anita baker and making plans that i haven't quite kept lol. oh well, next wednesday is a healthy eating start day. less fried, more planned out meals and the like. and after i take my test next month i'll get back on the strip aerobics grind. it was fun but didn't have enough privacy to do it in the old place. i don't have that excuse anymore and i want to drop some weight and get back in shape soon. if i can be down ten pounds by christmas i'll be a happy kid. i'll be a happy kid needing a new box of blowout burgundy but a happy kid. see y'all later.

Labels: vent

Posted By red velvet at 8:02 PM

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.:Thursday, July 12, 2007:.

-tired and frustrated-

nothing is terribly wrong today. my car is basically fine after i got the tire repaired. work was okay, i got a bit of studying done and i got what mommy wanted from the store on the way home. didn't get what i wanted because apparently the computer saying something is on hand has no bearing on whether it is actually in the store or not. the drive home was mostly uneventful save a stupid tailgater. nothing should be wrong whatsoever but something is.

no matter how much sleep i'm getting lately i feel tired every morning. i really just want to go back to sleep when i wake up. then i want to take a long shower and wash my hair and get back in the bed until i decide to take a hot bubble bath, get a snack and get back in bed. my body feels more tense than normal and my dreams are getting bizarre. well not totally strange but i'm just not expecting them to come when they come.

more than anything though i'm missing Him a lot more than normal. logically i know He'd talk to me as long as He could whenever He could. emotionally though i need my Daddy and i can't have Him. no correction, no hugs, no smiles when i finally groggily meet Him in the kitchen early in the morning and try to run out of it quickly because the smell of coffee is slowly giving me a pounding headache. and i have to admit having an assisted kitty killing spree as opposed to a solo mission would be just this side of heaven. hopefully i'll be over this funk soon. i don't want Him distracted by my less than stellar mood. anyhoo, i'm off to bed.

Labels: life not good, vent

Posted By red velvet at 12:51 AM

1 comments

.:Saturday, June 23, 2007:.

-if i can't have You....-

i have been quiet again huh? you would think it would be because i was studying and while i did crack the book from time to time that hasn't preoccupied me enough to just disappear again. i think the day to day grind of Him being gone has started to get to me more than i thought it would. it probably doesn't help that every few days some massive ambush or lovely/horrible stat has been tossed around about the number of soldiers that have died in the last 24/48/72 hours. i do a pretty good job of ignoring those things most of the time but the last week has been hard. i have really just wanted to crawl between His arms and be still for a while. i was antsy all day today too and that has made this sort of self-imposed hiatus even weirder. usually i try to keep in contact with more people that i like to distract myself but i have really wanted to ignore as many folks as i can. i want Him and i can't have Him and that is not fun at all.

i can't even revert to my old modus operandi of "you can be replaced" because i truly don't believe that right now. there might be someone as interesting but it wouldn't be Him. i probably sound like a whiny little brat and guess what i am lol. i want Him home for purely selfish reasons. oh well let me go study since i'm awake and not harassing Night Owl.

before i go though, is eddie murphy the most trifling new dad ever? you dumped the mother of your sixth child during her pregnancy and then denied that child and then refused to take a paternity test until you were forced to do so. i hope little angel iris gets to see a different side of you than we have seen lately cause right now you suck.

Labels: vent

Posted By red velvet at 12:05 AM

1 comments

.:Tuesday, June 12, 2007:.

-god i'm babbling-

i'm not sure what this post is going to turn into because my brain is kinda all over the place. i haven't been studying nearly as much as i should even when i have the time. i am almost begging for Him to discover that and well get on my case. being pseudo independent is not all that much fun. especially right now in the midst of birthdays, anniversaries, father's day and the impending 4th of july weekend. all these times when we should be together and be a family i am sitting awake slightly hoping to get punished. i know that's being incredibly bratty and i should just do what i need to because it will make Him proud but so have no motivation to do so right now. i'm not in the middle of subbie blues--at least i don't think i am--i'm just blah from time to time when i'm not talking to Him or distracted with something else. last night's distraction was browser issues that have since righted themselves. tonight was father's day cards to the men in my life that need them--that is except Him whose card was mailed a tiny eon ago and Twin Soldier because i forgot to mail a mother's day card to Twin Soldier's wife and that just seemed really rude to me thinking about it now. it didn't even come up at the time. and if i didn't agonize over what to put in His mother's card i would have truly been at a loss with Twin Soldier's wife. Twin did get a birthday card--quite funny if i do say so myself--and i'll be sending her a birthday card as well. i am a card girl if you haven't figured that out.

i have been a bit off center. i have been talking a mile a minute and jumping topics when i do which i'm sure has entertained Night Owl even when she has not the slightest idea what i'm talking about. i really think we're, me and Him, are in need of a long week together. He's tired and frustrated and i am definitely in need of His hands wrapped around me. where they choose to roam is totally up to Him but i do miss being close to Him. all this pent up sexual frustration is not a good thing really. either that part of my psyche is just going to go dormant or i'm gonna be so hyper when He gets back that i might dehydrate Him. okay so the second scenario is more likely but still that's not a good thing.

so the last thing on my mind is something that has sorta come up on two discussion groups i belong to. can you be a sub/slave if you have a Dom? of course i think the state of mind is possible but what do you do when you have no one to furnish all that attention and give over control to? i think you could potentially do what i did and pray that your toys don't die during the period of separation. well provided you are allowed access to the toys. that isn't to say this has been easy. there are times when i just don't let me brain enjoy the sexual things that are running through it because i want Him and not the nice automated fill in i've had for Him since He left. and then there are times when how much i love Him totally overwhelms me and if it means that we have to be apart a few more months then screw it. when He's home He'll do thins to me that i used to only dream about and now have found someone that matches the depravity of my overactive brain. 98 percent of the time i do what i know He would expect of me and some things He would never ask of me. in those moments my submission to Him are clear and concise. and then i'm just mopey go lightly and start waiting for my spanking to get me back on track. ahh go figure. i don't know if i'm making sense anymore so i'm going to bed.

night
red

Labels: introspective, random, vent

Posted By red velvet at 2:24 AM

4 comments

.:Wednesday, June 06, 2007:.

-a day between Daddies-

is daddies spelled right? obviously so as my spell check didn't just flag it. anyway today is june 6, 2007. nothing stellar in the grand scheme of the world. it's just another day in this year that is somewhat zipping by for me. the year hasn't progressed exactly as i hoped but what can you do when plans go awry. but today is a day of emotional pause for me. some of you know that my father died shortly before i started working on my phd. the anniversary of the his death was a few weeks ago. i prepped a post and deleted it because my head was in a weird space and i wasn't saying what i wanted to clearly. today is the day after my father would have turned 61. the day after i would have made him a lovely cheesecake or pecan pie and grilled up some steaks i marinated overnight and had of course a nice healthy serving of mashed potatoes. we would have been goofy and watched cartoons and given him gifts. it would have been a good day.

instead i had a trip to the gynecologist--always lovely fun eh ladies--and a trip to the hair dresser and a took a swing by the library and post office. not a bad day but not the day i would have had with my dad.

today is a day of emotional rest as i said as it is also the day before Roaming Soldier's birthday. He will be joining me at 31 years of age. that's right ladies and gents in case you didn't know i snagged myself a younger man lol. okay so He's not much younger and i'm sure the foot and a half He has on me covers the six months quite nicely. and tomorrow i will go to work, study for that nasty exam if no clients pop up and then do my grocery store run and come home. i may or may not get to talk to Him and actually wish Him happy birthday tomorrow but regardless He knows He's loved as i sent a just because, birthday, and father's day cards in the middle of may to make sure they would get to Him by tomorrow. yippee for me that they did. and while He likely would have gotten a card shower if He were home i could have so taken the day off--since i got my hair all nice and spiffy yesterday lol--and spent it with Him, Littlest Soldier and mom until the evening when i secreted Him off to a nice hotel to soak in a sauna and give Him a nice back rub and then give Him that stashed paddle and let Him work off any pent up aggression turning 31 may have visited upon Him. yeah that would have been fun. but we won't be doing that either.

so it's shortly after midnight and my middle day is here. i'll be good again until father's day lol but at least my brother will be here for me to torment lol. y'all have a good night.

red

Labels: introspective, vent

Posted By red velvet at 1:34 AM

1 comments

.:Wednesday, January 10, 2007:.

-no smut for you...-

or i could have just as easily called this post someone please help me understand. if you love george. w. bush or think we are doing the right thing in iraq then i would advise you to stop reading right now. i haven't gone full rant on this war ever but i'm feeling compelled to right now. this is your last warning. okay enjoy or fuck off really because this morning there is nothing anyone can say to justify the idiot in chief's behavior.

a little over five years ago we were attacked. it was horrible, it was seemingly unprovoked and it was a tragedy. nearly three thousand people died because terrorists, individuals intent on destroying our very way of life, seized an opportunity and did the unthinkable. we were afraid and we wanted revenge. how dare they attack us? we're the land of the free and the home of the brave. we repesent all that is good and wonderful about the world. we are the land of opportunity. how dare they? many of us are/were either unaware or so blinded by our pain and anger that we forget this country is hostile for many of its residents. we ignore them sleeping on the streets, we don't care about those working welfare mothers, we aren't doing a whole lot to make sure the elderly can afford their medication, food and housing; and we turned a blind eye to families that are abusive, living in rat holes and the like. we are the land of opportunity but we aren't always committed to making sure everyone gets a chance for a better life. we forgot that though for one brief shining moment in grief--misery loves company right?

and then we did the unthinkable. we started attacking neighbors and friends and business owners because they were from "over there" and were likely supporting all that "jihad business" and started questioning people we had known for decades in some cases because we were afraid. but someone had to pay and well we couldn't find bin laden. someone told us that would happen though and we waited and we waited and we waited and then all of a sudden we were attacking and old enemy because HE MIGHT sorta kinda have been helping the person we KNOW helped put that tragedy in motion. we invaded a country because they were SUPPOSED to have things that could kill us too--how they would deliver those things with shoddy technology and over that distance was never explained. all that matter was they HAD them and we HAD to stop them to protect OUR interests. we invaded and found nothing. we ousted a ruler and got nothing. we threw a country into chaos--but hey they are "free" now and all we have to show for it as of this morning is a 400 billion dollar bill, 132,000 troops currently deployed with 20,000* more troops the iraqi leader has said he DOES NOT WANT headed his way, 3000+ US troops dead, 10000+ (depending on your source) civilians dead in attacks gone awry, two seperate and a potential third troop incidents in which innocent civilians were murdered, a pitiful few terrorists cells decimated in comparison to what it has cost us, no strong evidence as to the whereabouts of bin laden, a region in turmoil, two splintered countries, countless widows, children without parents, parents without their children and a partridge in a pear tree. so do we have our revenge now? are things better than they were in 2001 that horrible day?

there's no easy way to answer that. we've "freed" a country but have thrust it into chaos and short of a military presence there for the next decade and a half it is unlikely that the current situation will change much if at all. whether we like to admit it or not, the number of adequately trained troops here or abroad is not sufficient to secure either country. and while we haven't had another terrorist attack on this soil since then our country is hurting more now and for a totally different reason. the families and friends of a 132,000 individuals worry each day will this be the day that i hear the unspeakable and now 20,000 more families and friends can join in that worry. compared to the size of the country it seems miniscule until it is someone you love and miss and want home with you. we were feeling better for a bit, i mean after all we won the thing that we refused to call a war intially--generally speaking though when you win you GO HOME after a reasonable time. we're going into overtime now and the opposing team can't really be beaten.

oh they can be killed. their resources can be cut off but there is an inherent difference between terrorists and us. their thought process and committment to our destruction even if it means sacrificing their own lives and welfare is a finally engrained ideal. it doesn't die out because we take out bin laden's number 2 man. that makes the ideal stronger as we are showing ourselves to be who they imagine us to be--aggressive dumb capitalists who are afraid of what might happen so we are gonna kill off the bodies. for every terrorist we kill we create another one because of their anger and desire for revenge. after all if they die in battle with the enemy they believe they get rewarded in heaven for the act. try as we might even the best of Christians isn't running headlong into a building as a human bomb because God might give us a plusher pad in heaven. nor should we be, that's some twisted mess but the fact of the matter is we can't stamp out an ideal and for every person we might accurately identify we are missing someone that doesn't fit the mold a la timothy mcveigh who SEEMED like an average american until he did the unthinkable.

so what did i spew all of this out for? well because it has been festering for a while--y'all know that Roaming Soldier is deployed and while sending 20,000 more folks MIGHT make it seem like He would get to come home what it most likely means is His tour will be much longer than either of us hoped. because i needed to say somewhere that we are losing this war, we will not win this tete a tete because we are not equipped for the battle the way we would have to be in order to HOPE to win. instead of letting fear motivate us (which i know someone will say i'm guilty of because i want Him home) or the desire to win or just the desire to not admit we might have been wrong we have to be honest with ourselves and the world. the mistake we made four or five years ago wasn't failing to send enough troops. it was failure to properly assess a country and the potential for resistance, the claims being made by our fearless idiot and a general lack of recognition that a MIGHT isn't a good reason to oust a ruler while looking for those folks that pissed in our cheerios. call me unpatriotic if you must but really i love this country and i respect the residents of it too much to say hey if we keep funneling troops in the region it will get better. it won't there will just be more targets. the region has to want a new direction and clearly it doesn't. insurgents are roaming freely and other countries are refusing to aid us one way or the other. we're about "/" this close lol to losing our standing with the UN and if w or some of his cronies makes it through the rest of their lives without being tried for war crimes i would be shocked and amazed.

i remember waking up to phone calls to turn my television on because a twin tower was falling. i remember feeling extreme sadness for the families of those 3000 individuals that lost their lives. i remember thinking someone should pay but those most responsible were already dead. we didn't deserve an attack and we won't deserve another one when and if it occurs. but i also remember thinking once this war began that the folks that did it would be back when we were at our weakest and we better be ready. do you think we are ready? are the resources we need going to be there if another more gruesome attack were to take place? or whenever the troops come home for good and walk back into the lives of the 132,000 families and friends that are waiting on them will the country be so anti military that the resources are siphoned off? i don't know but i do know that what the idiot in chief is planning to do tonight will most likely inspire a new generation of people that want to see us crumble and fall and will likely make a bad situation much much worse.

*20,000 troops on conditions allegedly makes me wonder why send in more when the iraqi leaders haven't met the current timetables we have in place for them nor do they seem to be working real hard on reaching those goals.

Labels: life not good, vent

Posted By red velvet at 8:51 AM

3 comments