.:Sunday, October 05, 2008:.

-worth revisited-

okay not too long ago i wrote what can best be described as a very depressing piece about worth and being valued enough to be WITH your partner. as i was showering tonight i started thinking about when my worth became tied to who was holding me at night. because really during the day i'm active and productive and busy. but at night, at night it's just me and the stuffed animals. that's when the lonely sinks in and that's when it starts to hurt that no one is hugging me back.

but at 22 i didn't care about that. i was finishing undergrad and dating around and in general just enjoying life and what the next adventure might be. there were moments when the long term happy with one person seemed appealing but the loss of it wasn't devastating to my psyche. at 25 i was reeling from my father's death so really the last thing i was worried about was my long term happy. i wanted someone to console me but i had my brothers, mother, friends and family who did a bang up job and helped me through that phase. at 28 i was winding up with the main part of my doctoral program and was just hoping that a few things broke the right way for me. they did and i was estactic. it was here that i know i started wanting someone to share all these thing with. it seemed lonely to be accomplishing things with no one to cheer me on and encourage me. but i had all my adopted nieces and nephews and lord they rocked so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

even at 30 the ache for the arms wasn't as pressing. i just got my first job and my mother was moving in so there were other stressors to wade through before boy was necessary. i was dating by then, i was with emp by then or getting ready to not be with emp either way i missed him but i wasn't decidedly distressed that he wasn't holding me nightly. i just figured in time we'd work that all out and i was getting ready to move actually lol but that didn't work out that way. and RS is a dream in so many ways, a good sweet dream but not something i've had a chance to hold onto. the days stretching made me more aware of that but it's not about him really.

it's about the feeling that i am not quite complete without those arms. i know that isn't the case. i am strong and independent and at the end of the day can take care of myself. so let me not say it's the feeling more than the desire to be in someone's arms each night. to rest my ear against their chest and hear their heartbeat slow while we drift off to sleep. it's somewhat about that nice smack on the ass, or across the face quite unexpectedly to garner a reaction mid coitus, and the knowledge that i have trusted another human enough to put myself in their control. i miss having those things now. i miss them and don't know when i can have them. that is what throws me off when i'm having a bad day. if i knew 30 days from now life would be like what i dream about then i'd just mark the days off my calendar and go yippee. but i don't know that and really none of us can know that. at 32 i long for embrace at a way that wouldn't have crossed my mind ten years ago. not having it or having the possibility of it ripped from my grasp just throws me into a tailspin from time to time. from now on i'll try to just have a drink and take a bubble bath when they hit but i know they'll hit.

for now i'll just keep thinking and praying and keeping myself as centered as possible until arms get to keep me close every night.

see ya later
red

Labels: introspective, random, update

Posted By red velvet at 10:26 PM

0 comments

.:Thursday, October 02, 2008:.

-what's going on in your part of the blogosphere?-

red is fine. she is happy, not gushing over the moon but happy still. she loves and is loved. i hate talking about myself in third person lol. i am in bed sick today. i will probably be in bed tomorrow as well. it's nothing overly major but it sucks all the same. i'm missing my Daddy but i always miss Him. He can never know how important He is to my life. But i'm gonna try my best to show Him when i get a chance.

right now i'm watching mr. and mrs. smith for the umpteenth time. i think this move is adorable for some reason. yes i know that makes me slightly twisted. i'm gonna go forage for something that calms my stomach down since Daddy isn't here to rub it until i feel better. see ya later

Labels: life is good, update

Posted By red velvet at 5:07 PM

2 comments

.:Thursday, August 28, 2008:.

-life is interesting-

well where do i begin? things with me have been in flux as usual. i've been denying to myself more than anyone else that i am mentally exhausted. i love my friends and family and job but i am tired. i'm tired of managing everything from what i wear to where i will park in the morning to what i will do when i come home in the evening knowing that most of what i want to do can't be done because there is no one to do it with. i want Him, i think i deserve Him and i need to understand (while i know i never will) why i can't have Him right now. my mother won't go to the movies with me and i really don't want to go out to eat with her. food is always more interesting to me at home when i can manage what goes in and out of it. and we can cancel the shopping 99 percent of the time. i might do some of that this weekend but i just as easily might stay under the covers. that's where i've been a lot lately. watching tv and researching things. i'm going to finish the alphabet game stories but for now keep them off the blog on the off chance a publisher i contact wants to do something with them. if they all say no then you will get a rush of smut for your eyes and hormones to devour.

beyond that it feels like i haven't talked to Daddy in forever. six months and counting since there's been a word from the desert. i've heard the "be strong" and "it will all be okay" and have even told myself "no news is good news" mantras quite enough now. i understand that life isn't fair. hell i have to help people understand that daily. but how much of the unfair does one have to endure before there are sunshine and roses? i'm happy most of the time really. but late at night it's hard to keep smiling when it's just me and the stuffed animals. i'm not even lonely at this point, i'm just getting indifferent to things in my own life. which is odd because when i get pictures of the kids in my life everything seems wonderful and possible. with the people i work with when i see them figure out there is a new way of doing things that inspires me. and then i'm left with my own blah and it's just all gone.

the other night i smiled my ass off because i watched a woman in love with her husband try to make the country fall in love with him too. for a myriad of reasons i hope she is successful so i don't have to start typing this blog from denmark or sweden or somewhere else because i'm not sure i can deal with another 4 years of republican rule. but beyond that for another few hours i was full of hope that love can overcome all things if given time. i'm just waiting to see if that happens to be the case for me too. ahh well i think i want some ice cream now. do the girl moody thing to a hilt why don't we?

Labels: life is so so, update, vent

Posted By red velvet at 6:23 PM

0 comments

.:Wednesday, July 30, 2008:.

-little girl lost-

okay so you're getting two posts today. this one wasn't intended. i guess the other one wasn't either. it's been five months since i heard from RS. i'm feeling very disconnected from everything right now. i keep getting sick and as i have told folks that's a by product of me feeling more stressed lately. i've been dealing with a lot of things in my head too which aren't helping. i've gone from worried to pissed to worried to whatever this is i'm feeling now. you'd think i'd have words for it but i don't. you know i mentioned the old couples and wanting to be with someone that long. truthfully right now i'd kill to just have someone lying next to me more evenings than not with no imminent threat of death or separation hanging over our heads.

i've stopped getting excited when i get mail notices because i doubt seriously they are from Him. i don't eagerly check the mail because i can't tell you the last time i touched something He sent. i want to be a good little girl but it's very lonely without some contact from Him. i need my Daddy and He just isn't available to me right now. how do you keep moving when you're just tired and want to sit still and cry?

Labels: life not good, update

Posted By red velvet at 8:34 PM

2 comments

.:Sunday, July 13, 2008:.

-oops-

okay someone alerted me to the fact that i haven't said anything over the last month. really i don't have an excuse this time. i still have extra relatives around--even though technically no one is home but me BUT that would be because those folks are at the hospital right now. long story, so don't want to get into it but suffice it to say old people should be required to go to the doctor whenever we say so JUST because we're typically right. if we happen to be wrong i guess we can pick up the bill but i'd rather them be ok and me out some cash than stuck in the hospital because we're trying to honor their right to be stubborn jackasses. moving on.

every now and then i wake up and think the last three years didn't happen. Emp will be waiting on a call and the nice RS fellow never came into my life. so we know i'm sleep deprived as hell when those mornings occur because short of a life saving transplant it's unlikely i would ever come in contact with Emp again. and my very nice soldier still is very nice somewhere else. there has still been no word from Him or the army about Him so i really have no idea what that means. i pray that He is all right and that He will return home safely but the longer He's gone the more i worry about that. mostly for littlest soldier. this would be horribly unfair to her. losing my dad at 25 was hard enough i can't imagine what i would be like to be without both parents before the age of 10.

so really nothing is going on around here. just trying to keep my head above water. if you get a moment say a prayer for my soldiers and all the others that have been away from home too long and those that won't be coming home anymore.

Labels: update

Posted By red velvet at 11:06 PM

2 comments

.:Tuesday, May 13, 2008:.

-it's vacation time-

just so you guys don't worry, in about 36 hours my vacation is officially starting. i haven't taken one since right before my birthday and i need this time to myself. i doubt i'll be posting or reading anything from anyone. actually i've been really bad about that lately so i can't act like that's a new thing. the ebb and flow of my life lately has just swung back to crappyville and i'd rather not dump here again. after vacation is over i'll make some decisions about this blog, my life and what i want to do with both. until then just know that i'm physically okay and i'm sure everything else will come to pass when it's supposed to.

Labels: update

Posted By red velvet at 7:44 AM

2 comments

.:Friday, January 11, 2008:.

-back from oz-

hey boys and girls. sorry for my absence. i was still basking in post baby glow and then making sure i was going to get scheduled for my last phase of being dr. red. that was this morning and it went swimmingly if i do say so myself. i spent the last few weeks studying and reviewing my notes from that lengthy spell of graduate training. then i worried and prayed and hoped to high heaven that i would get nice folks to talk to and i did. a few hours later, i'm all done with the school stuff for the moment. just gotta keep up my CEU hours and pay them when they like i'll be okay. i also get a raise and who doesn't like raises. okay i really am going to try to take a nap now. i should be back in a few days with new smut.

Labels: life is good, update

Posted By red velvet at 4:42 PM

2 comments

.:Tuesday, December 25, 2007:.

-contradictions or why i like the cookie dough analogy-

i started to write this post two weeks ago but i got sleepy and then went to visit my absolutely stunning and wonderfully intelligent almost eight week old niece. yes i know it's impossible to know she's going to be wonderfully intelligent but let auntie red dream big for a minute. okay anyhoo. i am just getting around to the post today. i contemplated saving it and doing a why i'm thankful post but that seems trite right now and it can wait till i'm no longer on call and can drink like a fish. okay so where was i? oh yes, the delay has just been one of those things with me as of late. things aren't getting done on a miraculous schedule but they are getting done. so here we go with what is sure to be a rambling post with likely little to no bdsm references so if you keep reading just know that you have been warned.

so to start with the title is way too long i know. but it makes sense in light of what is on my mind so bear with me. i know i've talked about it before here and others have elsewhere about the inherent contradictions there are in submission for some women, well for most women. even those who are submissive by nature still have their moments where they are fully in control of their lives and potentially the lives of others but at the end of the day they relinquish that control happily to someone else. if He were home i'd be one of those women. 8 to 5 life almost in total opposition the multitude of hours that surround it. no one that knows the strictly vanilla side of me would ever believe you if you sat down with them and said oh by the way red is a nice subbie girl who likes to get spanked. and honestly if i wasn't me i'd be right there in disbelief with them. i think this is why i have readily identified with women who seemed to be somewhat contradictory in presentation. women who are by all outward appearances very strong, in charge of their lives and sensuality/sexuality but seem to be waiting for something else or someone else to share the load with.

take the person who the cookie dough analogy originated with, buffy summers lol. i'm sure you are going what, isn't that buffy from buffy the vampire slayer? why yes it is. it was a random conversation toward the end of the show between buffy and angel. there is that inevitable moment whenever they are together that the tug starts up again and for a minute we can just hope they can figure out how to be really happy with each other without him going all crazy stalker vampire again. she just as easily could have said my job sucks and until it's over we can't be together to angel who as we know would still be smoking hot whenever that was lol but she didn't. instead she told him that she was still cookie dough and she wasn't done baking yet. she needed some time on her own before she could even daydream about angel with warm fuzzy thoughts again. it's a nice way to say i still have a load to carry that i'm not ready to share with you yet. instead he comes in and gives her the method to save herself and mostly everyone around her and leaves as he always does. and i can say that made me ache a little bit when i saw it because i could totally relate to being cookie dough because i didn't really understand why i never trusted the men around me to bake me as it were lol. i didn't trust them to appreciate the cookie dough that was me. instead i went about being very focused, very buffy-esque in my pursuit of me and only being half satisfied with it. to her credit, even when they have been thoroughly warped, sarah michelle gellar has played some pretty kick ass women on screen and has seemed to find someone that compliments her well privately. i love her and freddie together but please no more movies together. if you want to read the full quote scroll to the end of this post. thanks to Much Ado about Buffy the Vampire Slayer for having it up.

as i was prepping this i also thought about the mickey mouse club's former member now blond retro diva with the best pipes. i mean who else other than christina aguilera could have sung it's a man's world and done it immeasurable justice? i remember when christina and britney hit the airwaves and prayed for their quick demise from the pop world. i mean i really didn't need anymore sugary sweet blonds singing for me. especially when one couldn't sing. thankfully christina didn't go away, she evolved and got better writers and let her voice come through. stripped is one of my favorite albums ever and back to basics is equally lovely at times. she caught a lot of flack for that whole X-tina thing and i think she handled it well. yes she also dated a back up dancer but unlike the talent challenged peers that did the same coughjlocoughcoughbritneycough she didn't marry him or heaven forbid have babies with him. she moved on in private (thank heavens) mostly and found the man of her dreams, married him and with whom she is expecting (haven't heard if the kid came yet) her first child with. that's 1 marriage and 1 baby folks. i know i of all people shouldn't be sounding prudish but waiting until you are ready is such a wonderful thing. rebound marriages should be outlawed. but that's off tangent. she hasn't tried to become an actress, is putting out consistently good music and is well respected for her talent. yeah she is a cutie pie but she does that because she wants to not to mask her inadequacies in the studio. she's the vocal buffy equivalent but she also seems to have kept most of her private life private. she seems to happily be her husband's compliment even though in most circles no one knew his name before they said i do.

by no means am i saying that either of the women are submissive, i just see the contradiction in them that i see in lots of strong women who struggle to find that balance, the cookie baker if you will, for themselves. at the time it felt like i was being a traitor to the gender if i acknowledged the type of man i wanted in my life. that it somehow meant i had to do less in that day to day world if i wanted the right chef to come along and whip the dough into shape (pun fully intended). i struggled with that for years before i was ready to give up all the while finding the strength i saw in other women as empowering and kinda sexy lol. for much of the three decades i've been floating around the earth i've been cookie dough. i haven't completely lost my doughy consistency because there is no one here to pull me out of the oven when i'm nice and golden brown. but hopefully He will be soon and then He can tell you what kind of cookie i taste like (pun fully intended again).


beyond telling you what flavor of cookie i am i have decided some other things for 2008. i am not making resolutions this year. i never keep them unless the resolution is to ignore them. after my last bit of licensing stuff i am committed to a full out makeover of my mindset, my physical appearance and personal relationships. i am taking care of myself next year or i will die trying. i'm too young to be at my current weight. i'm too young to not be nurturing my friendships better and i'm entirely too young to not make sure everything is in good working order. i'll update you randomly about how that is going. hope you all are having a merry christmas, had a happy hanukkah, will have a happy kwanzaa and that something wonderful happens to you before your breaks are over.

Full Quote: "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat— or enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then... that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."
~Chosen

Labels: introspective, random, update

Posted By red velvet at 5:22 PM

2 comments

.:Sunday, September 30, 2007:.

-all quiet on the bored subbie front-

nothing is really going on around here. now that i don't have to focus my attention solely on passing an exam i have a lot more free time on my hands. time to miss Him of course and hope that He's okay wherever in that godforsaken desert He's hanging out. i got manhandled out of my system but my remaining letters aren't encouraging any new smut just yet. i have been looking at a potential self publishing venue thanks to green lantern to stop saying i'm going to do this and just start doing it. of course lazy soul that i am i would much rather go the traditional route so that we can work on everything together and go from there. truthfully i'm bored and before that would get me into a mountain of trouble. bored horny subbie girl was not a good combination when there was a bunch of horny men around. however, i'm well aware of the only itch they would be able to scratch despite protestations would be the need to kill kittens and that's not enough. i need the whole kit and kaboodle and i need it from Him.

i've been dreaming a lot lately too. mostly about the two of us in bed asleep, no scenes, no long vacations filled with sexual depravity. just us in bed pressed against each other safe in the knowledge that He was home and safe and that in about 25 minutes children would burst through the door and invade the half naked sanctuary we had established. gonna have to work out the sleeping situation as i really don't like clothes overnight and that would not be attractive to Littlest Soldier. besides i don't want to be waddling down the aisle so we'll probably have to sleep in something to stop those midnight oopsies when searching for a condom is just not fun and damn i'm knocked up moments from happening. ahh well let me go eat my very late breakfast.

i don't know if i took this test before but yippee i'm 100 percent spankable now

Link: The How Spankable Are You Test written by bazz22 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Labels: random, update

Posted By red velvet at 11:30 AM

0 comments

.:Friday, September 14, 2007:.

-da da da da da da da-

clearly i'm bored lol. nothing is going on here right now. i am watching wwe smackdown for a change--normally we don't have the cw so this is just odd. the channel the cd is on is normally a preview channel. the network doesn't seem to have a perpetual slot just yet but whatever. all i really need is friday night from 7 to 9 and i'm good. i don't watch most of the cw programming lol. and i've actually been happy because it meant i couldn't be drawn into top model viewing parties. i think she's just weird now lol.

i love the library, grabbed a bunch of books to look over before i decide which ones to buy and enjoyed amy winehouse on the way home. she got some issues but the cd is nice. i was kinda hoping kanye and 50 went double nickel so i could get rid of both of them but oh well. mostly i've just been feeling kinda crappy and wondering what was wrong with my car. i dropped it off today and missed lunch as a result but 100 bucks later all i needed was a new battery and it was ready to go when i got off work. i even did something nice for mom before i came home and took some necessary drugs. they did let me drive a nice shiny sante fe which short of having me feeling like i was up entirely too high was nice. i didn't drive it like i would my baby because well it isn't mine but i might test drive it when i finally decide to get rid of my car.

other than not feeling good, i've been just kinda blah. i've been playing on my dolly site (http://www.stardoll.com) and entertaining myself with that. i haven't been able to tell Him that i passed yet which kinda sucks. hopefully we can talk this weekend. all right i have a new letter picked out for smut--the letter m--as soon as i get another burst of inspiration--maybe i'll watch mr and mrs smith--i'll get to work on it. okay see ya and Night Owl i hope you feel better.

Labels: feel gross, update

Posted By red velvet at 7:08 PM

0 comments

.:Monday, September 10, 2007:.

-celebrate good times come on-

after a semi painful wait i found out that i passed my exam this afternoon. i won't get my actual score till next week but who cares at this point i passed. that means i don't have to take it over and i don't have to feel like a complete retard for not having passed the first time i took it. of course the exam itself has little to do with my job and has no actual bearing on my intelligence but it sucks to high heaven while you are waiting for it to come back. unfortunately for me the primary office person is not there this week so that is why we are in a holding pattern on the actual score. but woo woo woo.

Labels: life is good, update

Posted By red velvet at 9:48 PM

0 comments

.:Sunday, September 09, 2007:.

-i've been a bad bad girl-

okay so not really and hold on for a second let me see something. everytime i say i've been a bad bad girl i think of the video right above this. my days of breaking a boy just because i can have long since faded. i don't deal with men that i can break or easily manipulate anymore. it's actually boring being able to get exactly what you want constantly. well at least it was for me. it's fun for like a week and then it dawned on me that the boy in question would do anything i said including some things i'd never do for him so i'd look to replace him with someone that would prove to be a bigger challenge. of course this was all about a decade ago at this point but yeah i still think of that song. thanks to one of my friends i also have another song stuck in my head. i think i posted it when it came up around christmas time cause it was hilarious but feel free to laugh again if you like.



other than that i really have been behaving. except for the thirty minutes that i was laughing because a sorority sister announced her pregnancy--i didn't laugh in her face that would have been rude--and she is just not maternally minded so we are all wondering what will happen now. i still don't have my scores back yet but what can you do. hopefully they will come in tomorrow and give me some resolution one way or the other. thanks to everyone that has said you have passed don't worry about it but i'm a little anal and yes i know the various ways that can be misinterpreted lol. nothing i can do about the scores right now i just want em back now. i think i'd like a box now lol. damn military service.

see ya
red

oh my god, i forgot to share what my friend told me. he knows all about me and the kink that is my life and in having a conversation about football i told him about this recurring fantasy i have about Roaming Soldier and the NFL season lol. all my friend said was you need some Orbit gum cause you are a dirty dirty girl. that made me crack up. so here's an orbit commercial for you.

Labels: silly, update, videos

Posted By red velvet at 4:15 PM

0 comments

.:Monday, September 03, 2007:.

-smut all over the world-

okay over the world might be reaching. this blog has been pretty smut free over the last few months. my "real" life has been invading and i've talked about what was keeping me occupied which unfortunately for some of my faithful readers has meant a complete dearth of anything remotely kinky. i'll have to be honest. part of me was disappointed in myself because i think i've gotten fairly good at writing the smutty stuff even when it doesn't prove to generate a lot of interest from anyone but the nice tall Man that inspires them. another part of me has said well that is real life, we aren't always overtly sexual creatures searching for our next erotic fix. yeah but anyone that knows me knows that's a reach for me. i am a big ball of horny when i'm not overwhelmed by other things. that's part of why my exes did love me so, i mean there are very few men that wouldn't want a big ball of horny that was all theirs to play with whenever they wanted. even when i have had intentions of belting out something smutty the mood passes and i take a nap or watch something animated or something else. i didn't even enter a smutty writing contest because my brain wasn't willing to write anything new and i didn't think anything old that i had written would qualify. thankfully for me, mom had a tantrum that kept me in my room and not cooking today so i was around to talk to green lantern and then stumble back upon the aforementioned writing contest. the winning entry was good but it didn't capture my attention the way THIS STORY did. give it a gander if you are interested in something else because my proclivities have not quite returned at this point. they are coming back slowly but they aren't back just yet.

of course you can always check out sugasm and well i was about to type blogstormz but it appears to have disappeared into the great beyond. ahh well, that sucks but there are a number of toplists out there that might be of interest to you as well. but take heart i have gotten the smutty vibe back and will likely be updating you soon enough. be blessed and if you were off today i hope it as pleasant for you.

always His girl
red

Labels: life is good, smut, update

Posted By red velvet at 1:24 PM

1 comments

.:Monday, August 27, 2007:.

-insomnia loves me-

howdy folks,

nothing is really going on here. i hoped to be sleeping like a normal person post exam but my body hasn't decided to play catch up yet. instead i spent the last twenty or so minutes cleaning out my blog roll. with the exception of people that i have some personal connection to i deleted nearly all the blogs that hadn't been updated within the last three months. most were at five months or longer and i hate that blogs go dark but i also hate clicking on them and seeing nothing new. i figured you did as well so thus some changes were made. i also added some new blogs, mostly to the kinky list, because as a community we do well when we support one another lol. there are things that some of the new links discuss that could be greatly helpful to you and others have been linking to me for quite some time and i figured i should return the favor. if for some reason a blog couldn't be reached anymore i also deleted the blogs to save folks a bit of frustration.

i've been tossing some things over in my brain tonight that i really need to talk to Him about but i haven't been able to do that yet which totally sucks. beyond that i'm okay i guess. been watching way too much silly television (ie robot chicken) and missing Him. i perused a book called how to survive the bridal wave (that period of time that everyone else you know is getting married) which was funny and would have been front and center on my bookshelf about three years ago. now it's interesting but not something i have to have. instead i've been more invested in looking at a career girl's guide to becoming a stepmother. i can't say that i'm super career girl but it has been giving me something else to do. of course in these moments i start thinking about other things as well.

i wrote a whole lot of crap just now and deleted it. i need to talk to Him about that first. y'all have a nice night.

red

Labels: random, update

Posted By red velvet at 1:27 AM

1 comments

.:Tuesday, July 03, 2007:.

-studying is fun......-

yeah sure if you believe that i will happily sell you a flawless 3 carat diamond ring for 10 bucks. it's going better than it was and after talking to a friend who is also studying for the exam we both felt a bit better. nothing is going on here. i'm going to spend most of the rest of the night slacking off and then tomorrow i'll be back in study mode since i don't have to go to work. i had a good weekend though. playing with other people's children always makes me feel good. it was a good time interacting with grown ups outside of work too. i'll be back before the end of the week but while i'm gone ponder if you think the blog needs a face lift, not a complete overall cause i love been well very red lol, but does it need something new? okay see ya

Labels: update

Posted By red velvet at 9:39 PM

1 comments