.:Saturday, October 18, 2008:.
-His words, my mantra-i've been thinking about this post for the last few days. i told y'all about the bad dreams. i told You about how He was there to make it all okay and i had a good if not totally productive day. the next night He told me something i wasn't expecting and when another semi disturbing dream hit, i repeated that or what i could remember of it in my sleep deprived state and fell back asleep. the next weird dream didn't even get to register because i heard Him in my ear. as i'm trying to sleep and holding tight to my teddy bear i kiss it repeating the words until i doze off.
the mantra as it were has made me smile and feel very calm when it's bounced around in my head. it gives me something to focus on when the subbie free fall starts to happen and i'm not sure when i'm gonna hit ground. i get there, safely, and with much fewer bruises. thankfully i have good subbie sisters, who i affectionately refer to as the collective, that have been in the lifestyle much longer than i and who remind me of the most important thing in any given situation.
because of them and because i'm being slightly more focused about what i'm doing and when i can let the words soothe me as they do. i've been clearing out some negative energy around me and that has made an interesting difference in my perspective on things. patience has never been one of my virtues. i got some when my father passed in 2001 but i think i tapped all that out lately. but i've started a little ritual, a checklist, that keeps me quiet in my spirit and lets me just be. it could be because i see possibilities again or it could just be that my brain and my body are finally willing to talk to my emotional self and all get along.
i don't know what the road ahead of me holds but i'm looking forward to what is around the bend. i'll be repeating my mantra along the way.
Labels: introspective
.:Sunday, October 05, 2008:.
-worth revisited-okay not too long ago i wrote what can best be described as a very depressing piece about worth and being valued enough to be WITH your partner. as i was showering tonight i started thinking about when my worth became tied to who was holding me at night. because really during the day i'm active and productive and busy. but at night, at night it's just me and the stuffed animals. that's when the lonely sinks in and that's when it starts to hurt that no one is hugging me back.
but at 22 i didn't care about that. i was finishing undergrad and dating around and in general just enjoying life and what the next adventure might be. there were moments when the long term happy with one person seemed appealing but the loss of it wasn't devastating to my psyche. at 25 i was reeling from my father's death so really the last thing i was worried about was my long term happy. i wanted someone to console me but i had my brothers, mother, friends and family who did a bang up job and helped me through that phase. at 28 i was winding up with the main part of my doctoral program and was just hoping that a few things broke the right way for me. they did and i was estactic. it was here that i know i started wanting someone to share all these thing with. it seemed lonely to be accomplishing things with no one to cheer me on and encourage me. but i had all my adopted nieces and nephews and lord they rocked so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
even at 30 the ache for the arms wasn't as pressing. i just got my first job and my mother was moving in so there were other stressors to wade through before boy was necessary. i was dating by then, i was with emp by then or getting ready to not be with emp either way i missed him but i wasn't decidedly distressed that he wasn't holding me nightly. i just figured in time we'd work that all out and i was getting ready to move actually lol but that didn't work out that way. and RS is a dream in so many ways, a good sweet dream but not something i've had a chance to hold onto. the days stretching made me more aware of that but it's not about him really.
it's about the feeling that i am not quite complete without those arms. i know that isn't the case. i am strong and independent and at the end of the day can take care of myself. so let me not say it's the feeling more than the desire to be in someone's arms each night. to rest my ear against their chest and hear their heartbeat slow while we drift off to sleep. it's somewhat about that nice smack on the ass, or across the face quite unexpectedly to garner a reaction mid coitus, and the knowledge that i have trusted another human enough to put myself in their control. i miss having those things now. i miss them and don't know when i can have them. that is what throws me off when i'm having a bad day. if i knew 30 days from now life would be like what i dream about then i'd just mark the days off my calendar and go yippee. but i don't know that and really none of us can know that. at 32 i long for embrace at a way that wouldn't have crossed my mind ten years ago. not having it or having the possibility of it ripped from my grasp just throws me into a tailspin from time to time. from now on i'll try to just have a drink and take a bubble bath when they hit but i know they'll hit.
for now i'll just keep thinking and praying and keeping myself as centered as possible until arms get to keep me close every night.
see ya later
red
Labels: introspective, random, update
.:Tuesday, December 25, 2007:.
-contradictions or why i like the cookie dough analogy-i started to write this post two weeks ago but i got sleepy and then went to visit my absolutely stunning and wonderfully intelligent almost eight week old niece. yes i know it's impossible to know she's going to be wonderfully intelligent but let auntie red dream big for a minute. okay anyhoo. i am just getting around to the post today. i contemplated saving it and doing a why i'm thankful post but that seems trite right now and it can wait till i'm no longer on call and can drink like a fish. okay so where was i? oh yes, the delay has just been one of those things with me as of late. things aren't getting done on a miraculous schedule but they are getting done. so here we go with what is sure to be a rambling post with likely little to no bdsm references so if you keep reading just know that you have been warned.
so to start with the title is way too long i know. but it makes sense in light of what is on my mind so bear with me. i know i've talked about it before here and others have elsewhere about the inherent contradictions there are in submission for some women, well for most women. even those who are submissive by nature still have their moments where they are fully in control of their lives and potentially the lives of others but at the end of the day they relinquish that control happily to someone else. if He were home i'd be one of those women. 8 to 5 life almost in total opposition the multitude of hours that surround it. no one that knows the strictly vanilla side of me would ever believe you if you sat down with them and said oh by the way red is a nice subbie girl who likes to get spanked. and honestly if i wasn't me i'd be right there in disbelief with them. i think this is why i have readily identified with women who seemed to be somewhat contradictory in presentation. women who are by all outward appearances very strong, in charge of their lives and sensuality/sexuality but seem to be waiting for something else or someone else to share the load with.
take the person who the cookie dough analogy originated with, buffy summers lol. i'm sure you are going what, isn't that buffy from buffy the vampire slayer? why yes it is. it was a random conversation toward the end of the show between buffy and angel. there is that inevitable moment whenever they are together that the tug starts up again and for a minute we can just hope they can figure out how to be really happy with each other without him going all crazy stalker vampire again. she just as easily could have said my job sucks and until it's over we can't be together to angel who as we know would still be smoking hot whenever that was lol but she didn't. instead she told him that she was still cookie dough and she wasn't done baking yet. she needed some time on her own before she could even daydream about angel with warm fuzzy thoughts again. it's a nice way to say i still have a load to carry that i'm not ready to share with you yet. instead he comes in and gives her the method to save herself and mostly everyone around her and leaves as he always does. and i can say that made me ache a little bit when i saw it because i could totally relate to being cookie dough because i didn't really understand why i never trusted the men around me to bake me as it were lol. i didn't trust them to appreciate the cookie dough that was me. instead i went about being very focused, very buffy-esque in my pursuit of me and only being half satisfied with it. to her credit, even when they have been thoroughly warped, sarah michelle gellar has played some pretty kick ass women on screen and has seemed to find someone that compliments her well privately. i love her and freddie together but please no more movies together. if you want to read the full quote scroll to the end of this post. thanks to Much Ado about Buffy the Vampire Slayer for having it up.
as i was prepping this i also thought about the mickey mouse club's former member now blond retro diva with the best pipes. i mean who else other than christina aguilera could have sung it's a man's world and done it immeasurable justice? i remember when christina and britney hit the airwaves and prayed for their quick demise from the pop world. i mean i really didn't need anymore sugary sweet blonds singing for me. especially when one couldn't sing. thankfully christina didn't go away, she evolved and got better writers and let her voice come through. stripped is one of my favorite albums ever and back to basics is equally lovely at times. she caught a lot of flack for that whole X-tina thing and i think she handled it well. yes she also dated a back up dancer but unlike the talent challenged peers that did the same coughjlocoughcoughbritneycough she didn't marry him or heaven forbid have babies with him. she moved on in private (thank heavens) mostly and found the man of her dreams, married him and with whom she is expecting (haven't heard if the kid came yet) her first child with. that's 1 marriage and 1 baby folks. i know i of all people shouldn't be sounding prudish but waiting until you are ready is such a wonderful thing. rebound marriages should be outlawed. but that's off tangent. she hasn't tried to become an actress, is putting out consistently good music and is well respected for her talent. yeah she is a cutie pie but she does that because she wants to not to mask her inadequacies in the studio. she's the vocal buffy equivalent but she also seems to have kept most of her private life private. she seems to happily be her husband's compliment even though in most circles no one knew his name before they said i do.
by no means am i saying that either of the women are submissive, i just see the contradiction in them that i see in lots of strong women who struggle to find that balance, the cookie baker if you will, for themselves. at the time it felt like i was being a traitor to the gender if i acknowledged the type of man i wanted in my life. that it somehow meant i had to do less in that day to day world if i wanted the right chef to come along and whip the dough into shape (pun fully intended). i struggled with that for years before i was ready to give up all the while finding the strength i saw in other women as empowering and kinda sexy lol. for much of the three decades i've been floating around the earth i've been cookie dough. i haven't completely lost my doughy consistency because there is no one here to pull me out of the oven when i'm nice and golden brown. but hopefully He will be soon and then He can tell you what kind of cookie i taste like (pun fully intended again).
beyond telling you what flavor of cookie i am i have decided some other things for 2008. i am not making resolutions this year. i never keep them unless the resolution is to ignore them. after my last bit of licensing stuff i am committed to a full out makeover of my mindset, my physical appearance and personal relationships. i am taking care of myself next year or i will die trying. i'm too young to be at my current weight. i'm too young to not be nurturing my friendships better and i'm entirely too young to not make sure everything is in good working order. i'll update you randomly about how that is going. hope you all are having a merry christmas, had a happy hanukkah, will have a happy kwanzaa and that something wonderful happens to you before your breaks are over.
Full Quote: "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat— or enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then... that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."
~Chosen
Labels: introspective, random, update
.:Saturday, November 24, 2007:.
-words escape me (or maybe not)-i haven't posted recently as i haven't had anything to say. i haven't had a lot going on. i've been working, cranky, working, tired, working, missing Him, and working and being mad at Him. yeah i said it mad. i've been trying not to be mad because well it doesn't help Him at all. and being the good little trooper i've been trying to be mad doesn't play into the equation very well. i know it's not His fault. i know He'd be home if He could. i know that this is not how He chose to be spending the last eighteen months but i also know i was just tired of it. and it was unrealistic to think i was never ever going to get mad at Him. the moment has passed of course but it was boiling over a few days ago. i explained it all to Him in a rambling letter that i need to mail but won't detail here.
i've mentioned it before. people mean well by asking if i know anything and when He might be home but you cannot imagine how annoying, frustrating and just depressing it is to say the same thing over and over again. if i knew i swear i'd just blast it somewhere and then disappear so i wasn't having to field multiple conversations about what we were going to do or when i expected Him home exactly or if i was excited. let me just tell everyone now YES i will be excited not that i expect it to stop anyone from asking.
as a result of the frustration for lack of a better word, i haven't been all that motivated to write anything. i can't say that has changed either. i still look at the remaining letters and the lovely setup that Look it Up provided for me and nothing says oh yeah write me down and make folks diddle themselves. maybe later or maybe i'll go back to sleep. it is awfully early for me to be up on a saturday. just wanted y'all to know i was still breathing.
see ya
red
Labels: introspective, life is so so, random
.:Friday, November 16, 2007:.
-i want or the world is topsy turvy-okay well not really topsy turvy. it's a bit different since mom is back now but that's okay at the moment. she brought my candy bar baby announcement for my niece and the announcement that my brother and sister in law created for the lovely bundle they created. they sent a big picture bundle as well that i need to have to converted over to a cd so i put her on display. well not really display. just put her in my office or something. that was all nice about mom coming back but the feeling of just general disconnect i've had lately hasn't going away.
i think i've been a little out of it in general because all the time she was gone i really didn't invest much energy into killing kittens. i walked around naked a lot well half naked in case someone knocked on the door and i needed to throw something on really quickly. i have just been kinda blah though. i want Him. i want Him to snuggle with and hear snoring in the bed next to me. i want to be thrown against the shower wall and struggle to keep my footing as He thrusts into me and makes me purr. i want lots of things that i can't have right now because He's not home. i watched The Unit this week and so shouldn't have. Hector's autopsy and memorial were just damn sad. i don't want to be the new chick who was just getting her relationship established only to have that person taken away with all the promise of the relationship shot to shit. i want to know how peaceful He is when He's sleeping soundly and how fast He'll move when i say i want a peanut butter cookie and a milk shake and some lo mein noodles at 3 in the morning in the 8th month of my pregnancy lol. i want the simple things and not so simple things and i want them yesterday but i'll settle for them tonight or tomorrow or the day after that. i want to know what His lips feel when He kisses me on the back of my neck. yeah that's what i want.
Labels: introspective, random, vent
.:Tuesday, June 12, 2007:.
-god i'm babbling-i'm not sure what this post is going to turn into because my brain is kinda all over the place. i haven't been studying nearly as much as i should even when i have the time. i am almost begging for Him to discover that and well get on my case. being pseudo independent is not all that much fun. especially right now in the midst of birthdays, anniversaries, father's day and the impending 4th of july weekend. all these times when we should be together and be a family i am sitting awake slightly hoping to get punished. i know that's being incredibly bratty and i should just do what i need to because it will make Him proud but so have no motivation to do so right now. i'm not in the middle of subbie blues--at least i don't think i am--i'm just blah from time to time when i'm not talking to Him or distracted with something else. last night's distraction was browser issues that have since righted themselves. tonight was father's day cards to the men in my life that need them--that is except Him whose card was mailed a tiny eon ago and Twin Soldier because i forgot to mail a mother's day card to Twin Soldier's wife and that just seemed really rude to me thinking about it now. it didn't even come up at the time. and if i didn't agonize over what to put in His mother's card i would have truly been at a loss with Twin Soldier's wife. Twin did get a birthday card--quite funny if i do say so myself--and i'll be sending her a birthday card as well. i am a card girl if you haven't figured that out.
i have been a bit off center. i have been talking a mile a minute and jumping topics when i do which i'm sure has entertained Night Owl even when she has not the slightest idea what i'm talking about. i really think we're, me and Him, are in need of a long week together. He's tired and frustrated and i am definitely in need of His hands wrapped around me. where they choose to roam is totally up to Him but i do miss being close to Him. all this pent up sexual frustration is not a good thing really. either that part of my psyche is just going to go dormant or i'm gonna be so hyper when He gets back that i might dehydrate Him. okay so the second scenario is more likely but still that's not a good thing.
so the last thing on my mind is something that has sorta come up on two discussion groups i belong to. can you be a sub/slave if you have a Dom? of course i think the state of mind is possible but what do you do when you have no one to furnish all that attention and give over control to? i think you could potentially do what i did and pray that your toys don't die during the period of separation. well provided you are allowed access to the toys. that isn't to say this has been easy. there are times when i just don't let me brain enjoy the sexual things that are running through it because i want Him and not the nice automated fill in i've had for Him since He left. and then there are times when how much i love Him totally overwhelms me and if it means that we have to be apart a few more months then screw it. when He's home He'll do thins to me that i used to only dream about and now have found someone that matches the depravity of my overactive brain. 98 percent of the time i do what i know He would expect of me and some things He would never ask of me. in those moments my submission to Him are clear and concise. and then i'm just mopey go lightly and start waiting for my spanking to get me back on track. ahh go figure. i don't know if i'm making sense anymore so i'm going to bed.
night
red
Labels: introspective, random, vent
.:Wednesday, June 06, 2007:.
-a day between Daddies-is daddies spelled right? obviously so as my spell check didn't just flag it. anyway today is june 6, 2007. nothing stellar in the grand scheme of the world. it's just another day in this year that is somewhat zipping by for me. the year hasn't progressed exactly as i hoped but what can you do when plans go awry. but today is a day of emotional pause for me. some of you know that my father died shortly before i started working on my phd. the anniversary of the his death was a few weeks ago. i prepped a post and deleted it because my head was in a weird space and i wasn't saying what i wanted to clearly. today is the day after my father would have turned 61. the day after i would have made him a lovely cheesecake or pecan pie and grilled up some steaks i marinated overnight and had of course a nice healthy serving of mashed potatoes. we would have been goofy and watched cartoons and given him gifts. it would have been a good day.
instead i had a trip to the gynecologist--always lovely fun eh ladies--and a trip to the hair dresser and a took a swing by the library and post office. not a bad day but not the day i would have had with my dad.
today is a day of emotional rest as i said as it is also the day before Roaming Soldier's birthday. He will be joining me at 31 years of age. that's right ladies and gents in case you didn't know i snagged myself a younger man lol. okay so He's not much younger and i'm sure the foot and a half He has on me covers the six months quite nicely. and tomorrow i will go to work, study for that nasty exam if no clients pop up and then do my grocery store run and come home. i may or may not get to talk to Him and actually wish Him happy birthday tomorrow but regardless He knows He's loved as i sent a just because, birthday, and father's day cards in the middle of may to make sure they would get to Him by tomorrow. yippee for me that they did. and while He likely would have gotten a card shower if He were home i could have so taken the day off--since i got my hair all nice and spiffy yesterday lol--and spent it with Him, Littlest Soldier and mom until the evening when i secreted Him off to a nice hotel to soak in a sauna and give Him a nice back rub and then give Him that stashed paddle and let Him work off any pent up aggression turning 31 may have visited upon Him. yeah that would have been fun. but we won't be doing that either.
so it's shortly after midnight and my middle day is here. i'll be good again until father's day lol but at least my brother will be here for me to torment lol. y'all have a good night.
red
Labels: introspective, vent
.:Saturday, April 07, 2007:.
-too much thinking-well that's not why i haven't posted since tuesday. i haven't posted because it's the end of the semester and my job is kicking my ass. trying to get things together and it's not always working out smoothly. plus i got a surprise (only because i like to forget she's coming) visit from the evil bitch woman that invades my body once a month and makes it so unpleasant to be me. but at least she comes with heavy duty pain killers so i guess i'll suck that up.
i have, maybe to my detriment, finally gone back to my local library. it's a great place to get movies for free that you get to keep for a week at least. new movies, old movies, kiddie movies and tv shows. pretty much everything but porn and let's face it i have my own porn connection. i did finish the e lynn harris book i picked up. it's interesting enough to read in one sitting but not one that if you had to put down that you would like pick back up and keep reading if you didn't have to. it wasn't a bad three hour read but it wasn't one of his best to me. but then again i haven't particularly liked the last book before then even though it wrapped up nicely. i didn't read the toni morrison book but she has a tendency to make my head hurt so i'll try it again later.
now i'm watching romancing the bride which seems very cute. i hope it wouldn't take an affair the night before your wedding for you to decide that you want to be with your husband or not but hey do whatever you need to do in order to make everything okay for yourself. life is what happens when you start making plans i guess. have to stop planning out the life and live it to its fullest. so i have to let my mind wander back to smut central and see if Roaming Soldier joins me there. i've been missing Him a lot lately. as Night Owl keeps saying, He's my weed in my garden of life loosely translated to i'll never be able to get rid of Him. not that i didn't know that before now lol. He's abostively wonderful after all.
i got my camera back yesterday. it took the full 10 days to get returned but it works again and i don't have to spend 200 bucks on a new one because of course i'd have to upgrade at this point. i am hungry damn it, train of thought is all over the place. i've been looking at stuff about being Catholic and talking to more people about converting. my brother laughed at me and said "yeah you are going to have to do that if you want the type of wedding you are talking about." he had to debate that when he and my sister in law got married because she's Catholic. now they have to discuss all of that with baby velvet that's on the way. they both attend a non denominational church right now but they are probably going to baptize the baby Catholic and then let them decide what they want to do at some later point. ummm be right back, gotta put on a movie.
okay i tried to put on a movie but i had to put some stuff in the mail and now i need to finish watching this "wrong man" show on courtTV and then "till death" comes on about couples who snap and one kills the other one. it's twisted but in case you guys hadn't figured out i have a massively twisted sense of humor and find that part of life intriguing. what makes people lose their mind and hurt one another? well in that non consensual fashion lol. i know why people CAN hurt each other when given permission. hell i'm counting down the days until i can be one of those people lol. ahhh well i'm starting to ramble i believe. green lantern i'm sending you a surprise so be on the look out for it. Night Owl i'll be harassing you later. everyone else soon as bitchy mcbitch leaves i'll get back to my smut output.
see ya
red
Labels: introspective, life is good, random
.:Thursday, March 15, 2007:.
-deep thoughts by red velvet-anyone remember that skit on Saturday Night Life that had Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy? okay well that's where i stole the title from. i have been thinking about a lot of different things as of late. some of which make perfect sense and some others which are just tangential and i understand that before i bring them up. i'm not sure how long this will be but if you get bored scroll to the post right under this and check out the sugasm links.
well first of all things are going pretty well. work isn't kicking my butt too badly but i do need to finish some paperwork. i started the process to get my last professional hurdle conquered and yippee whenever that happens. the bills seem manageable for a while longer so that's good as well. my mother is crazy but it's a momentary flare up instead of those daily intrusions. her birthday is fast approaching as well but all she wants is an overpriced object i don't want in the house. we'll figure something out of course but until then i get to hear about us (my brother and i) being selfish little brats for not shelling out 2100 for a birthday gift.
i have been roaming blogland as is my want and i'm wondering if i'll ever get to the point that i'm having these deep introspective conversations with myself about my submission. i mean really i can't say i delve too deeply into it all that often. i am a sub, He is my Dom. i give more thought to how we are going to have that relationship with my mother's prying eyes observing on one end and His ever growing daughter's eyes observing on the other. i mean we won't be able to have that nice lounging around in my collar or with the nipple clamps (evil evil bastard things they are) on days unless both the children and the mother have vacated the premises. while i have the capability of being a good quiet little girl, i don't want to necessarily be gagged every time we want to play and the house isn't empty. and even now as i'm having a free flowing thought i'm not getting into the nuts and bolts of what made this work for either of us. i'm thinking of the fun stuff--well fun for me anyway--that goes along with being His.
i'm not sure if we liked each other so naturally because we genuinely found one another stimulating as humans or we found each other so interesting because we both knew the other's orientation. that's a really long sentence i know but it wasn't a typical chance meeting. i knew when we were introduced that He was a Dom that might be interested in having a new sub after a long hiatus. and well He knew upfront that i was a sub that had very recently left her former Dom. we didn't discuss those roles for quite a while into our conversations--we started chatting several hours a night beginning with that very first evening. our flirting wasn't as Dom and sub but more as single man being attracted to single woman. that extra layer was icing on the proverbial cake. the transition came easily enough and we did begin discussing what the other wanted and needed in a bdsm relationship. we aligned there as we had on other issues. He wanted a nice submissive girl with slave tendencies that was rather intelligent and that could handle a long-term relationship as well as His daughter. yippee for me i seemed to be all of those things otherwise there would be no point in moving forward. and i wanted an honest, kinky Dom who understood what i meant when i said i was looking for a "Daddy" type individual, that liked to push boundaries, keep a watchful eye over my brat moments and that wanted to do unspeakably devilish things to each and every inch of my flesh. who knew a girl could be that lucky lol?
He doesn't demand much from me. there are a few things i do now that i only do because He has asked me to do so but even those aren't terribly stress inducing. and one of them i've started to like as much as i'm sure He does. of course there always exist the possibility of more rules and demands coming forth but knowing Him as i do i can't imagine them being ones that invoked a lot of stress in me. at one point i started thinking maybe i'm not doing something right because i wasn't fearful of Roaming Soldier. He didn't/doesn't terrify me. i don't think He wants to 90 percent of the time. the 10 percent He wants to do so i'm sure He will with no major problems there. of course there is some slack that has to be given because He's been gone and i have really just been in supportive submissive role. when He's been home for a while, i'll revisit the whole depth of submission thing. until then be good and or be really good at being bad.
Labels: Daddy, introspective, random
.:Saturday, December 23, 2006:.
-waving goodbye to 2006-well it's not quite Christmas yet but it's time for the annual reevaluation of life, love and all that is wonderful and all the crap that transpired this year. this will be like all the other evaluation posts i do--long winded and full of videos or music. this year was one for the record books as far as my life is concerned. i'm a few days shy of when my mother moved in and made me fall off the map with friends and family. she hadn't put a strain on my "relationship" with Emperor but then again she didn't have to. he was off exploring other avenues and i just hadn't quite picked up on that yet. i hear music that is perfectly fitting a situation more often than not well after the situation has passed. four songs come to mind now as i think of Emp and nope not one of them is a prince song lol. the first is bitter by chante moore--really just because of the line about i hate your dog, i won't elaborate beyond that lol. the next is hate me today by blue october--knowing the real meaning behind the words doesn't make me appreciate it any less than i did before. walk away by kelly clarkson because i mean really if you don't know what you want how can i help you? and finally justin timberlake's what goes around comes around. the link to hear it is below this section. it's a long song because a break down is included at the end of the song but really it's my favorite part of the song. the burning ache in my chest went away quickly thank God but he was part of the first two months of 06 for me and i was disappointed things happened they did.
but if i thought that would be the most eventful part of my year i was wrong. there was much more fighting to do with mom than i could imagine. trying to have a roommate after not sharing space with anyone from the age of 18 was a bit of an adjustment. she's a lovely woman and i know she means well but lord every now and then i wish i could just have some peace and quiet--like now--to get my thoughts together and not have to take care of anyone but me. so for mom a nod to her ringtone and marvin gaye.
she did derail my energy and motivation a bit from time to time which pissed off both myself and my dissertation chair to a certain degree. i hate not finishing things and it puts me in a bad mood to not get things done on my schedule. i had friends postpone about three graduation trips because of my own inability to get stuff taken care of when i should have. but as they say there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. "breaking up" with Emperor spurred a lot of work to get done and then just my own stubborness to get the monkey off my back caused me to stop screwing around and get things taken care of. thank heavens for that because now my life is my own again. this year, much like my time in undergrad showed me i had the balls to do whatever i needed. enjoy a bit of christina and join me in fighting lol.
work was work and it's one of those things that made me glad i had supportive people around me but reminded me about how different really i am from those folks around me. not just in the sense that i'm the only black woman on staff or i'm a bit younger than most of them. it's just a mindset thing--beyond needing to get spanked lol--that doesn't make me want to settle down here and set up shop. here's a video for you.
the biggest change this year was realization that it was time to get my life back into balance. i have been working at my job, on my dissertation, taking care of my mother and doing all that while holding my love life at bay. i think i lept at Emperor so gladly last year because it was my first foray back into having something that was good for me. regardless of how it turned out the cracks that were present were about there still not being enough of a balance. our needs never matched up enough for that relationship to come to any fruition. i had four walls to sleep in, a few dozen walls to work in but nothing to make my life a full experience for me.
as soon as my brain processed what i needed and what it was that i really wanted i was blessed with the most wonderful Man i have had the pleasure of knowing. i really can't muster up the words correctly so i am going to ask that you listen to tamia.
now when it comes to Roaming Soldier i was not expecting Him or His presence in my life this year. i periodically think i must be dreaming because after a few decades of dating and coming up with squat for it you start to get a little jaded about the whole experience. i mean i still had friends that were were inspiring me to keep hope alive but i wasn't looking very hard at that point. even though He's away and really i don't know when He'll be able to climb into bed with me and start working through the smutty collection with me He has been a total and complete Godsend that i am thankful for each night. press play and enjoy babyface.
the other thing that happened this year was me getting refocused on my responsibility to the rest of the world lol. nope i can't save it and nope i can't fix it for everyone around but i can do my part here and there. i will get back into my volunteer work and continue my sponsorship of my kid in the Phillipines. until they let me take over the world it's the least i could do.
i'm finally turning into that woman i wanted to be when i was itty bitty. i'm happy with my life and my love and my plans for the immediate future. there's no more confusion about why i'm not where i want to be. i know now if i'm not what i want to be it's mostly on me. i can be whomever i want and do whatever i want. i can be the soccer mom if the kids want to do that and still come home, put the corset on over the white t-shirt and and shake my ass in front of Him after we get the kids to bed. i'm a big girl like that lol.
okay i'm done looking back over the year. the rest of the songs will be random sappy happy songs because that's the place i'm in this year. i hope the year was good to all of you but if it wasn't that you have a much more blessed 2007. starting off the hit parade with beautiful loved and blessed.
Labels: Daddy, introspective, life is good, random, silly, videos
.:Sunday, December 03, 2006:.
-where or where did red velvet go-i swear i didn't mean to vanish. between being horny and the snow and annoyance at my office i was distracted. i killed more kittens lately than i have in quite a while and there was still so much work to freaking do that really i wanted to throw a tantrum and turn into the next Cyndi Sheehan. "bring back my Dom, bring back my Dom!" but i figured that would probably end up getting Him in unneccessary trouble so i just took out another kitten. the sleet and rain came down on thursday before turning into snow and making sure i didn't have to go to work on friday. but i still had to drive out of town and surprisingly most of the highway was clear in my immediate area and then outside of the city it was great. i spent the last two nights there and whenever i thought about blogging i went "eh no" and decided not to. i was in a meeting for about twelve hours yesterday which was fine all in all. it was a good meeting and i left being rejuvenated but entirely too tired to drive home. hotel bed was good again. but the best part of being gone was just getting some rest and some quiet. okay that wasn't the best thing. the best thing was an unexpected--aren't they all unexpected at this point?--and too short conversation with Roaming Soldier. it was perhaps the last time that i was incredibly horny and able to talk to Him and i have to blame the song that you can click below. i have this oral fixation that is acting up so badly right now. when i heard the end of this song it just made things worse and i told Him about it. bad little girl i know but He was happy that my mind was spinning in that direction and still focused on Him. so yeah the kitten that died today died because i was thinking about my bottle and Him and all the different ways that could make Him very happy. anyway go enjoy the music and Daddy if You are able to click the link just remember what i said the other night. just need You home and we are gonna have so much fun.
Labels: dead kitties, introspective, life is good, silly, videos
.:Wednesday, November 15, 2006:.
-back to the middle-yeah that's where i am right now. i'm back on an even keel all of a sudden. work is manageable, just got some paperwork to catch up on. my last requirement for my degree was finished this week so now it's just a matter of buying my ticket back for graduation and waiting on my tam to be delivered. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH fluffy hat. i've talked to Roaming Soldier a few times since i've been back and both have been very aptly timed and silly flirty conversations. yeah i love Him clearly lol. my smut juices are flowing again so i'll be getting back to work on that stuff soon. and i'm busy with my extracurricular activities again. it's good being productive in things that i wanted to be a part of in the first place. the biggest thing right now is being able to relax without feeling guilty for not doing something else. that is an absolutely wonderful feeling. so yeah i'm dr. velvet but that's secondary to being just red and enjoying life again and being sily with my friends and giggling when i want to. i guess i don't have anything to say right now really. hope everyone is doing well.
red
Labels: introspective, life is good
.:Thursday, September 28, 2006:.
-the fact is....-it's four am and i can't sleep. i haven't slept well since He's been gone more and more. part of it is worry, part of it is the hope that love gives you that He will be able to log on before i pass out, and part of it is because i need Him more than i was consciously aware of. all these dreams in my head, they aren't just my dreams---they are our dreams. if He's not there then they sorta don't matter. could i have kids with another man? i'm sure i could but they wouldn't be the babies i see in my mind right now. could i love another man? i'm sure i could, i've done it before now but none of that has compared to now in any shape or form. i am not only giving Him whatever it is i have to offer but i'm doing it without fear and for anyone that knows me they know that's a huge leap. i need Him to love me and hold me and give me my bottle. i need to serve Him and take care of His home and keep Him smiling. i need to feel His hands on my skin when He's focused and when He knows i just want to be connected to Him right then. i can function all by myself i know that, but i don't want to anymore. i want that connection we have to be strengthened over time and He be both awed and touched by the depth of it. i want to grow old and gray(er) with the man that finally made me the loving ready to pop out children smut producing kinky subbie girl you all know and love. i'm finally sleepy now. apparently i needed to get that out. enjoy the song.
red
Get music codes at Bolt
Labels: introspective
.:Sunday, September 24, 2006:.
-i dig the boobs but.....-okay so it's apparently the first day of my hormone fest. i mean really is it SERIOUSLY necessary to be all emotional just because your body is out of whack. i have this love hate thing with being a girl because of it. i mean really the boobs are great. they make my clothes fit correctly, they distract boys, and let's face it they are fun to play with. but what they don't tell you when you get your set of breasts is oh yeah well at least once a month you'll pay dearly for the rest of the time you get a respite. so here's the crappy time for me even though i did get to skate longer than normal. it probably wouldn't matter but all these things have been on tv today that had be sobbing damn near. i'm not depressed they were just really sweet stories and my normal aww that's nice response have been overridden by girly mode.
the first thing was a sister helping to give her sister a home on this show called hometeam. i rarely watch it. the stories are nice but i like extreme makeover home edition better. tonight the featured the ROGERS family whose home transformation just has to be SEEN. i was crying throughout the show. the family and their bond was one thing but getting folks from all over alaska to come help build on top of the community they live in nominating them for all of this was just too much for my adle brain. yeah i know i'm copping out in saying that i only let my guard down this way when i'm hormonal but it's true. if i let my brain and body experience all the crap that effects me on a daily basis i'd be a royal hot mess. since i like to be functional most of the time i try to skip that.
but i have to admit that it made me miss Him in a good way. i want to start my family now. i want to come home to a place that is filled with love and that the stress of my day can't matter because my time with my family is just beginning. living alone definitely has its perks. i desperately miss being able to come home and just get naked starting at the front door but i miss voices and action and a small bit of chaos too. my mother is here but a whirlwind of activity she is not. while i would never envy anyone the situation the rogers were living in i can most definitely say i envy the boundless love they displayed for one another and the sheer appreciation for life they had. so yes i still miss my Roaming Soldier but it's the kind that makes me smile right now.
okay enough before i get sappy again
love ya red
Labels: introspective
.:Saturday, September 23, 2006:.
-sleeping alone-okay so this may be long and winding. you have been warned lol.
the last few days have once again been hectic. work is mildly overwhelming. my back was killing me. i've been inside wally world more than any human should have to be and then today when i was feeling all motivated to get to the gym, my mother drops yet another shopping list on me before i leave for work then i have to argue with the phone company for twenty minutes to figure out what the hell they have done to my phone service over two days that it's perpetually screwed up. i was headed directly to the store but decided, for my own mental well-being, to stop by the gym and go ahead and join. in my brain, once i join then i will feel obligated to go utilize what i'm paying for. the guy that handles the memberships wasn't there and i was tempted not to stay but i went and worked out anyway. nothing overly strenuous but i worked out on various machines till my legs got wobbly and then went to get the groceries. i damn near got drenched when i got home but that would have been just fine. i planned on washing my hair anyway so no biggie there.
my mother was actually polite when i got here and there were no major issues last night with the exception of the cable going out when the storm picked up. it died out then lo and behold in the middle of my drool fest the storm picked up and sounded like it was coming in the window. that's when the title of this post came crashing back on my forehead again. i love the rain. it makes me happy, horny and sleepy. i wanted to go stand on the balcony for a minute before the storm started blowing things away. the horny wasn't going to be tended to at all. i wasn't feeling motivated to get myself off and He's gone way far away. so that just left sleepy. as soon as i got a paragraph in on this post last night i fell asleep. i woke up, turned off the computer and back to bed. it was good sleep and i needed it but it reminded me again about the title of this post. it's not that i hate sleeping alone 99 percent of the time. i move around a lot when i'm sleepy unless i'm exhausted or on ambien. lately though, especially during the rainstorms, i have come to detest not having Him home. well even more than normal. so i'm lying in bed and clutching my teddy bear and missing Him. all i want is Him to be there with me right then so we can laugh at the wind screeching, me snoring and Him not fitting on my bed the right way.
the spankings would be great but really i don't even miss those the way i was before. it's sorta like that craving has been stifled. instead i work, i shop, i workout now lol, and i come home. i bake, i watch tv, i avoid my dissertation and i sleep. i play games, i curse at bad drivers, i wish for peace so He can come home and sometimes when i have had entirely too much then i just sit still and cry. that's not fun but i usually feel better later. i write Him letters, i send Him boxes full of chocolate, i wax poetic about paddles and nipple clamps when i send Him new smut and then i kill a kitten and call it a day. my mind seems constantly jumbled and all i keep thinking is He won't be there to unjumble it or making fun of me or letting me climb in His lap and just relax with Him.
seven months ago i was ready to sleep alone indefinitely. now the thought of doing it till this time next year just sucks. no i don't know that is when He'll be home but this whole stop-gap thing or damn near immediate lengthy redeployments are not making me think He'll definitely be home to stay anytime soon. that sounds so sad i know. especially since i love Him and everything He's brought into my life. ah well, i'm just rambling now. i need to check on His paddle now.
see ya later
red
Labels: introspective
.:Saturday, September 02, 2006:.
-feeling silly and petty lol-okay so i don't really have a lot on my mind today. i wrote Him some brand new shiny smut that i may or may not share after He reads it. i actually wrote two pieces. the second is a maybe share, the first is just for Him. not sure how many ones you all have missed that way. i know my first letters to Him were full of the smut to keep Him entertained during basic. and i know at least one other cookie peddling moment is on ice as a for His eyes only thing. it did inspire that girl scout shopping spree and the sash is too cute i swear. but i digress. every now and then things have to shelved so He knows that no matter how much of our lives i share here that when head hits pillow i belong to Him. okay moving on.
blondies with nuts, heath toffee bits and white chocolate chips+ caramel crunchy ice cream = damn good eating.
i got to talk to the Littlest Soldier today. she's so freaking cute it's out of control. the Miss Red isn't bothering me nearly as much now and i know it's just cause she's being respectful. and she gave me a hug before she logged off it was perfectly adorable.
green lantern has kept me laughing at her as has Night Owl. both of you better take care of yourselves or imma have to keep myself entertained and that is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much work.
no kittens have died today BUT that's just because i've been acting like i have ADD and keep getting distracted when i want to take them out. just wait my little pretties it will be all done soon.
now that i have run through all of the silly stuff, it's time for the petty. i have been thoroughly enjoying the video i'm about to post in a second. not just because it reminded me of a few ex's but because it's sarcastic and the person singing has made more than a few folks cranky. maybe i feel a certain kinship to being able to engendering such emotion in others ROFLMAO. anyway, enjoy and as always be good or be good at it.
love ya
red
Labels: introspective, videos
.:Friday, August 25, 2006:.
-discombobulated brat on the loose-if you want a nice well thought out post this is probably not the one to start reading. i am scattered. the framework is back up and life has resumed in a way that would make Molly proud BUT i feel all jumbled up at the same time. i know with great certainty that He is my future, it's my present needs some fine tuning. i'm not sleeping--well if at all. i'm not unhappy but i'm not particularly on top of the world either. i'm just sort of here. i love my clients but my job is taxing my patience. i keep hearing this song and it makes me think of the people that are no longer in my life for whatever reason. listening to the lead singer explain it from his point of view--the song is about forgiveness--doesn't make me think any less about why i have to hate someone to finally extricate them from my life. okay hate is strong. i have to get to the point that like in the song i'm wondering "how could you do this to me?" i'm by no means a saint but i try to treat people well so when i'm treated badly it throws me off to the nth degree. now some folks will have various opinions on that treating well thing. i'm not the sugar coating friend to be sure but i am the friend that will pick up the phone at 3 am, knowing i just fell asleep at 1 and have to be up by 7, just to make sure that you have a friendly voice when you need it. i don't expect it in return and honestly i probably wouldn't take anyone up on the offer. i clearly don't keep things in lol as you can tell from this rambling but i don't share everything with everyone. no reason i can't i just won't.
i still feel Him at night. His hand at the small of my back gives me comfort even when i do toss and turn for hours. and then i hug up with Daddy bear and snore until the morning. as i was driving home tonight from getting my hair done, it's very cute by the way, i heard the aforementioned song and then i heard Nickelback's new one--Far Away and it made me think of Him. i didn't include the whole set of lyrics but the snippet that was most important to me is at the bottom of this post along with a quick clip from the video. it made me go looking for another song by 3 Doors Down, when i'm gone, because it stirs up the same emotion for me. but listening to it i realized something wasn't quite right about the thought i was trying to convey. i clicked on the first video at the bottom only because i liked it too and wasn't planning on doing anything with it but it fit more to the mindset i'm having right now. again the whole set of lyrics isn't there just the most relevant piece with the entire video. is my life over because He's not here? no, of course not. would i be immensely happier if He were? i'm about 99 percent sure the answer would be yes but damn i would be pissed about having to work and not being able to work through at least half of the cookie peddling stories. that brings me to the last bit of rambling i THINK.
i need a spanking. not a quick swat on the ass. i need a put me through my paces evening. it's been months since i was used and now i feel like a bundle of nerves and tense and i'm getting bratty. but beyond that i'm pouting like an insolent child and that is even getting on my nerves. i want to go searching for my safeword even if i never use it. i want to be sore and bruised and smile that smile that only someone that enjoys this life can truly understand. even thinking about it now makes me grin a bit. but i'm not sure how to cure the restlessness right now. any ideas? k, i'm done now.
talk to ya soon,
red
Here Without You
Lyrics from 3 Doors Down's Away from the Sun
I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
Far Away
Lyrics from Nickelback's All The Right Reasons
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go
Labels: introspective, life is good, videos
.:Tuesday, August 01, 2006:.
-so far, so pleased--the red velvet soundtrack-yes i know, very bizarre title. well you should know by now that i'm me and well i'm a bit strange. i am about to discuss me not as Roaming Soldier's adoring little girl or my mother's personal driver. just me and the oddity that is my life. so far, so pleased is a prince song. it's not one of my favorites but it's a good title for where i am in my life. once upon a time i used starfish and coffee to use to write a poem and elephants and flowers to write a paper on being an intelligent, sexually explorative young woman in a world that didn't allow us those freedoms all that often. my prof loved, called it very insightful for someone barely old enough to drink legally. i wonder what he's doing now? anyway, some of my earlier poetry is surely based on the early more funky prince especially when i was happily using "princespeak" (inserting 2's for to and 4's well for for ROFLMAO and eye instead of i). it's hard to keep the rhythm the way i want it doing that though and thankfully for all that i know i left it alone. i still write poetry from time to time but most of the time now i put my energy into writing smut for you all and Roaming Soldier.
ok where was i? Purple Rain came out when i was eight years old. i turned nine before the year was out but the damage was already done lol. there was no way for my brain to process what i had seen beyond the music though. it made me want to dance around and cry and i felt bad for him when Morris Day was sooooooooo rude after his dad tried to commit suicide. the scenes with him and apollonia did register but what that was supposed to mean longterm i surely couldn't say then. i blossomed early and my little hormones were raging well before the boobies sprouted (and literally it's like they came over the summer, i went from tomboy to 34b) and my fingers did the walking. however, along with the breasts i got a lot of attention from boys who thought i was older and one of them helped moved me from wondering about prince and apollonia to being involved in the unrated version of that scene. well not entirely as we were still both in elementary school (yeah i said it, i started WAY too young) but i went from wondering to knowing what sex was relatively quickly after i started getting urges to do anything.
save one other interaction that summer i didn't have sex again for a few years. my breasts got bigger, my waist stayed small and my butt got tighter thanks to all that volleyball and track. in other words there were plenty of men around but i really had no interest in them. i did get more into music though. rock & roll, rap, r&b, pop and even a little country all made my personal ever running mental soundtrack that much richer and interesting. break up with a boy and here comes a little maxwell made me cry till i felt better. hate someone and just wanna be angry and slap on a little billy idol (i mean it's a nice day for a white wedding and who wouldn't want to rock the cradle of love) or ice t (cause some of you niggas is bitches too). but i'm not always feeling angry or depressed. most of the time i'm an even mellow kid. because of that i often enjoy the more sensual sides of prince, things with lush music or pumping drums (he has had the BEST drummers--michael b and john blackwell) and suggestive lyrics. things i can hear in my head no matter where i am and what i am supposed to be doing. stuff like hide the bone, underneath the cream, the aforementioned mellow, the instrumental version of God, beautiful strange, empty room, madrid 2 chicago, when eye lay my hands on u, anna stesia, the scandalous sex suite (OH MY LORD if you do not have this find it and get it, 20 minutes of lusty presciousness ready to explode all over whomever you are with), when 2 r in love, joy in repetition, question of u or breathe. songs like those ended up on my prince hula hoop cds (see Queens of Comedy for a more accurate explanation of that). i mean some uptempo stuff ended up on there too but that could take up half a dozen pages so i'll say some of my faves are supercute, thieves in the temple, let's go crazy, little red corvette, mr. happy, baby knows, she's always in my hair, anotherloverholenyohead, baby i'm a star, and gett off.
before any show he has i'm amazed that i can listen to a week's worth of music, hit any mood i'm having, trigger a half a dozen random memories (most recently of hitting concerts with my sorority sisters shortly after we were intiated) and memories that i would like to create with friends and family and now Roaming Soldier. i'm headed toward my 31st birthday and have to be simultaneously shocked that he's still putting out stuff i like (musicology and 3121 are funky) and that resonates with me for some reason. when i heard the marrying kind the first time it made me think of all the men that said i was great but i was the kind of girl you marry and they weren't ready to settle down. when i heard if eye i was the man in ur life it made me realize more that while i had been dating some men close to what i was looking for i hadn't met HIM yet. fury put the emotions from my most recent split into a concrete idea. beautiful, loved and blessed is what i'm feeling right now about life and love and the possibilities. incense & candles and satisfied just make me wanna do naughty things but hey that's part of who i am as well. and it's grown on me but i've started to like te amo corazon too.
what does this have to do with anything? well i'm a weird little eclectic woman who has been living her life with a weird little eclectic man providing her own personal soundtrack without his knowledge. he's been around for all the major and not so major events in my life to date. he's gotten me open to new people, music, places and experiences. i can say in some small part he's why i'm here in the place i am today. life as a prince fan has been an interesting adventure. i figure if a 5'1' fair skinned black man can rock heels, tailored suits and hair tighter than most women i know and face the risk and scrutiny of a global public i can extend myself and try new things and deal with new situations as they come. he's my only musical hero really and personally i think he's one of the most interesting humans still breathing and constantly putting out god music. so his pesonal life is periodically in disarray. that's true for all of us. we all keep getting up and moving on. i'm sure he will as well and he'll find the woman meant to be by his side just like i've found the man who's meant to be next to mine. okay i'm done rambling. enjoy the links, if you don't know enough about prince go check him out. and if he's playing anywhere near you GO!!!
love ya
red
ps Roaming Soldier i know You'll see this eventually so umm if he's playing anywhere near us we should um probably go, i'm VERY interesting after 3 hours of bopping around to prince.
pss just to show how retarded i am about my prince collection stuff, i actually OWN Purple Rain AND under the cherry moon on dvd and LOVE them both
Labels: introspective
.:Friday, May 19, 2006:.
-probably a quickie-my mind hasn't been quiet or still in days. i think that's just a by-product of being me. i'm constantly thinking about something and someone along the course of my day. is this person okay? can i afford to miss this appointment? will the world stop spinning if i just stop and lay down for a while? yes, i know i think a LOT of myself if i think my inaction will make the world stop spinning but it feels that way sometimes. this week i had a bunch of goals for myself that quickly got derailed both by poor planning and and failure to recognize the dates well. i always get moody and develop an extreme lack motivation in may and it always takes me about two weeks to catch on to why that as. you'd figure i'm a bright girl and i'd know what was going on but alas that wasn't the case this year anymore than it was the last five. on May 18th, 2001 the first man that made me giggle incessantly and made me believe that any dream i had could come true died. it wasn't entirely unexpected. i had been dreaming about him dying or being dead for months. the suddeness of the emotion wasn't negated by that though. for some reason or other my brother and i both arrived at the hospital together and were able to not be the only one listening to a crass doctor telling us that they'd figure out what happened exactly when they did the autopsy---no sorry for your loss, no we did all we could, no he didn't suffer, just mention of the autopsy. fyi if i ever see that surgeon again i'll probably slap him for that but all in all it wasn't his fault. daddy's body was shutting down and he was ready to go. we had a lot of good talks the months before he died which i think back to whenever i need to remember him. a lot of it was about the things i needed to take care of in case something happened before he was able to do them himself. i did ask, rather annoyed at the beginning, why he wouldn't tell my older brother all of this as he was killing in my mind the place i had as the only and cherished girl in the family. he laughed and said because i trust you to do these things for me and he was right. i handled everything from the will to the bitchy ex wife to the looney ex wife and the quiet ex wife and my own mother lol (yep daddy was good at getting married but not so good at staying married). we sold the house, the car, gave away what neither of us could look out without aching to family or friends or charity and we both left the house within a few days of each other that August.
at the beginning of every May though i want to be a little girl again and go racing around the corner as daddy scoops me up and scratches me with his beard and recites bad poetry and corny fables. by the 18th it dawns on me again that i can't recapture that feeling again no matter how hard i might want to and for the second year in a row that doesn't sting like all get out to process. i have often wondered if the current Daddy connection i like to have to/with my Dom is related and i'm sure on some level it is. but i really do just enjoying being protected and nurtured and loved in the warm fuzzy way men who can assume that role can provide. i noticed that well before there was a crappy surgeon and an empty house. my longer/est relationships were with men that made me feel safe and that actively wanted to take care of me and do a bit of that worshipping thing that good dad's can give their daughters. and while i would have some bad relationships in there it was usually because i was getting away from men that reminded me of my daddy. good guys for other people just a poor selection for myself. so i have this date looming this week and then unexpectedly i get news that Roaming Soldier is not only leaving this week but He's leaving and i won't be able to see Him before He does. i was muttering through the first three days of the work week and even tried to be nice to my mother before she threw yet another tantrum (wonder if i can still swap her out for Littlest Soldier--she can't possibly be more trouble than my mother is). yesterday my body said enough and had me sick to my stomach most of the day. bed was good but there was still work to be done today. that's where i am now, behind my office door and face freshly dried from annoying tears. in case you all haven't picked up on it i'm not a big crier. i cry when i am just so frustrated and fed up that there is nothing else to do. yesterday would have still sucked a bit even if RS was home but the fact that He wasn't, that i still have not the slightest idea where He is or how He is doing made it worse. all i wanted to do last night was curl up under Him and sleep well after having some ridiculously illegal in certain states time alone with Him. i need Him home, just like Night Owl needs pillar and Littlest Soldier needs the only parent she has left. i feel selfish even thinking of myself right now and try to rationalize it back out---stop it you just met, you haven't been able to spend anytime alone together it's still possible you might hate one another, quit your bitching girl and get one with your day---but that doesn't work at all. i'm worried about Him and i care about Him and i love Him. and since He can't be home to appreciate me in that sash then i'll have to do what i promised Him i would. i will pray and look out for the people He cares about--including me. and as i'm never one to break a promise to Daddy then i'll just have to do that and try to do a better job managing my time, patience and energy.
i may be back later. i always get ummm in a mood to sacrifice kittens when i get this stressed and it is apparently national masturbation month so i gotta do my best to honor the last 12 days of the month in style. okay enough with my blathering.
love ya
red
Labels: introspective
.:Sunday, May 14, 2006:.
-If she could be muse 2 the pharaoh....-Then one day she might be queen
If like Sheba, she then could bring presents and wine
The helix - he might get between them
In other words - intertwine
With the ebony and milk of her thighs
If she could be muse and let him decide
Perhaps she'll let him decide
If she could be muse 2 the pharaoh
There is nothing, nothing he wouldn't give her, see? (No)
4 the future of the nation rests in her belly
And if the Proverb of the 31 and verse 10
Becomes the song she sings again and again
She might be queen
If she could be muse 2 the pharaoh
One day she might be queen
okay so i have been momentarily MIA. can't blame it on anything in particular. it's not that i haven't felt like blogging. i have had all intentions on doing so every night and then i get distracted by something. such is my life, hard for me to focus sometimes when it shouldn't. anyhoo, about the song--it came to me as i was thinking about the day. the day being mother's day and all. and i have no babies and at the moment i am not in any position to be creating any anytime soon lol. so the mother's day wishes i'm getting for me and my mother feel odd. she hasn't been a pain all day so praise whatever deity is making that the case. anyhoo back to the song. can i be she? can i be the woman inspiring Roaming Soldier to want to make me His queen? i've been debating that for a while. okay not a long while as He hasn't been in my life that long BUT for the last few weeks as it has looked like this intial delay in our journey was approaching its end and that we would be able to enjoy one another for a while it has been firing along my cerebral pathways.
it's that natural worry that subs get about our Dom/mes. am i doing enough? am i doing it correctly? is He/She happy with me? it's reaffirmation we won't ask for 90 percent of the time and feel bad for asking the another 9 percent of the time and 1 percent of the time will just be so desperate for that we have no choice but to ask lol. so here i was silently pondering that while missing Him and wondering when exactly it would be that the army would let Him go when out of the blue on Friday i get an im from Him. thankfully i came in early, my immediate appointment cancelled and after twenty minutes of loving banter with co-workers i was left alone to just talk to Him. it was GOOD conversation, the kind of communication the needy side of me ate up. they have been repeatedly delayed out of basic. at this point we aren't sure if we are going to be able to see one another soon. i was going to fly to Him on Saturday but that would have required them leaving on Friday which didn't happen. and as of now, we have no word on where they are and when they will be freed lol. i do know that He needs to see His littlest girl first. we may sneak in a day or two before He has to deploy if we're lucky but the crux of that conversation was a letter was coming. no idea what it would contain but something from my Soldier was headed to me.
so, of course, there was no letter when i got home on Friday
see ya
red
Labels: bdsm, introspective
.:Thursday, May 04, 2006:.
-the girl of his dreams-okay i just spent fifteen minutes scouring imdb.com for an appropriate title for this post. the word dream HAD to be in there but other than that i was open. in case you haven't figured it out this post will partially be about a dream i had last night. i dream a lot as i'm sure i mentioned. this dream was one for the ages and has to be recorded so i can discuss it in greater detail with Roaming Solider when he gets home. i can't tell you why any of this occured as i truly don't know but bear with me as i might ramble a bit more than normal.
i was on vacation with my girlfriends, at least i think it was vacation, and we were shopping. having a great time and thorougly immersed in it until i notice i'm being watched. i look over and see a very pretty but very quiet woman looking at me. she seems like she wants to say something so i'm moving toward her when my girls ask me something. i turn to answer and when i turn back to her she's gone. we end up at this airport because it's next to the headquarters of an organization that RS is in and i have to go to them to request something he wanted for the wedding---we were getting married did i mention that lol---and i saw her there again. a quick glance and she's gone again. i go to my apartment and see her buzzing my apartment. someone let her in and i am rushing in to catch her at the elevator and thought i have but when i get there it's just a very lifelike mannequin. i'm confused but i just go to my apartment to open a box that was delivered. i open the box and it's wedding invitations but not invitations that i would have ordered. they are white and lacy and just entirely too prissy to be anything i would want. i look at the date and it looks wrong. it's not a month i'd have picked unless we were forced to and it's also a friend's birthday. so i'm getting ready to call RS and tell him the printers screwed up and i wake up.
so i relay this to Roaming Soldier in the rare moment today that we got to talk more than twenty minutes. it was good and lovely talking to him but i'll come back to that. He promised to protect me from the strange woman in my dream but he said something else that was a wow moment for both of us. the misprinted date on the invitations was also his wife's birthday. as much as i like to talk i couldn't say anything for a while after that. thankfully we just agreed to talk about that more when we were together. the rest of the conversation was great by the way. we haven't been able to talk this long in a while and between the flirting, the kissey faces, and the further establishment of some boundaries and guidelines it was great. He gave me my first official assignment today---in case you can't see it lol i'm blushing greatly right now or reddening as the case may be. i am very very happy. i may be limping and nursing a few bite marks and bruises the next post after we finally get some time alone but for now i am very very happy.
so now i'm sure you're wondering about the title of the post. after talking to a few friends, maybe i have been surpressing a fear in this whole situation. intellectually i know that had it not been for a twist of fate it's unlikely we would have ever met or had we that it would have turned into more than a friendship. intellectually i know that he would have spent his life with her and been perfectly happy most likely. and because i know those things i thought that emotionally i was completely okay with the potential of being his second wife and starting a new family with him. and let's say that i'm about 98 percent there. i do worry about that a little, by that i mean the fact that he had started a life that was unfortunately interrupted by things out of his control. how do you walk into that situation not a little afraid? can there be two girls of his dreams? of course there can. i'm just part of the new dream and the new reality of that dream. i'm not sure if last night's guest will return but if she does maybe we can sit down and have a chat this time. she could just be a random figure but something tells me she's more than that---even if it is just something manifested in my brain. it might make both of us feel better lol. we'll see on that for sure. for now i'm going to go eat and bother my mother per one piece of my assignment.
love ya
red
Labels: introspective
.:Thursday, April 20, 2006:.
-alice through the looking glass-a very kinky post is likely to follow this one or truth be told this may turn into but for the moment just be prepared for me to ramble and appear to be venting for a while to come. i apologize if that's not why you stopped by but today has been an odd day to put it politely. surprisingly i slept well after my delayed sleep. i should have likely gone to bed after he signed off but i never know if he's going to wake up and need me so i tend to linger until i think it is highly unlikely that Roaming Soldier will be looking for me. off tangent entirely there but i slept well all things considered. my clients were doing well even though i COMPLETELY and utterly forgot what one of them looked like. sweet girl just needed her mood stabilized and is doing better but seriously blanked on what she looked like until she arrived. i feel bad when it happens but i saw a lot of folks that week and really just had nothing that stood out about her. moving on.
i almost called this post "the company you keep" but changed my mind. the last year and a half has been one of amazing self-discovery for me and some interesting growing pains. growth edges i think they are called in my profession lol. anyway, i am a relatively "new" submissive. by that i mean applying the term to myself as opposed to how i interact with men in my life. i always tried to slip into the role but pushing men into inflicting pain on me wasn't happening. so instead i had a LOT of sex with a few people. limited number of partners but fucked like bunnies lol. i couldn't get enough. sexual appetite was out of control for over a year. if i wasn't discriminating (and oh my God i was) i could have easily been labeled a nymphomaniac. little things that shouldn't remotely be sexual for me were and my natural flirtiness went into overdrive. i am an incorrigible flirt. i am quick to play on words, seize an opportunity to push the proverbial envelope. i may even stoke the fantasies of those i'm flirting with before i log off/walk off/hang up from whomever i'm chatting with. their imagination is fueled, i get motivation to kill some kittens and appreciate the fact that RS does the same things with me the point he often leaves me reddening (blushing for the new people). all is well and good and no bodies met and no violations were created. no harm no foul as far as i am concerned. i mean really does flirting hurt people? apparently it can hurt people, me in particular, but not in that any great long lasting pain is inflicted upon someone's life but people don't see flirting as innocently as i do and have definitely judged me accordingly.
i will flirt with anyone lol, the young, the old, the single, the hoping to be single, the married, the divorced, the bitter, the flirty, the eager, the sweet and those desperately needing to be broken in half so their arrogance can be slated a bit. as soon as the moment of flirting ends so does any further intention on my part. i can flirt with anyone, and have, but very rarely have i ever taken up anyone off limit's on their invitation. the only time i have slipped up was with a married ex two months after my father died when i was both not expecting to see him and we had a massive amount of unresolved issues that needed to be resolved. they were in that hotel room that afternoon. we have kept in touch somewhat and i check on his wife and daughter the same way he periodically checks on me and my mother. we don't speak of that day but we don't make plans to repeat it either. a little over a year ago, i ran into a different married ex who for a very brief moment in time forgot he was married. i helped remind him and showed him his way home. we cannot flirt lol, we cannot chat, too much tension still there and while we both recognize a relationship would not work out--the tempation to forget is too great for both of us. well it used to be, now the truth of the matter is he's a great guy but his happiness can't be found in me and mine surely can't be found in him. compound that with the fact that he's almost as sub-minded as i am and we have the makings of crap on a stick if we ever took leave of our senses.
i'm sure you are wondering what brought all this on lol. why the self-disclosure and to what end? i guess i need to just finish venting and all i'm hoping is that someone gets something out of what i'm about to say. be careful when you start to assume things about other people. a flirt is not a threat unless you allow it to become one. it's not a threat unless the person receiving the attention is somehow more intrigued by the possibility of than they are with what they are holding. and believe me when i say if it's a threat by the time you see it coming you will be damn near left in the cold. someone out and openly flirty means no one any harm 90 percent of the time. the 10 percent they do, i can't do anything more than apologize for as no one should try to inflict harm on others. i love men, nearly all of them that have some sense and can carry on a good conversation, they entertain me and make me smile. however, i'm not the twenty-two year old girl with a hellacious sex drive anymore and i only care about one man---you know him as Roaming Soldier. people that know me and love me seem to understand that flirty red doesn't equal loose and predatory red. i asked that today based on another situation that come up. as i told one friend then i'm sure it won't be the last time it happens and it surely wasn't the first time it had happened. they see me as i hoped i was portraying myself to the world, a funny woman that thinks like a man and can keep herself in an amazing amount of check unless she's madly in love. however, i asked another friend (one who doesn't know me as well) if i seemed like the person that would intentionally get involved with a married man. he thought about it for a moment and said yes. now mind you, i didn't get involved with him while he was still married and can't even say i even flirted with him all that much. i don't flirt with him at all, he's a buddy and very quickly went into "like a brother" category for me. my brothers are cute but EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW what kind of perv do you think i am?
anyway, that comment along with earlier conversations and prior interactions with people--women in particular--it got me to thinking. who is it that people see when they see me? how many of them leave me with the totally wrong impression of who i am? how many old friendships have ended not because of some actual transgression but the belief that i was headed that way? let me say this plainly--i don't step on anyone's toes. i may screw your brains out four hours before you say "i do" but the minute you have, 99 percent of the time your sexual appeal for me slips to nothing. that one percent that is hanging on i've already mentioned and we just don't talk. yes i am a flirt but damn i do have standards here. i am an amalgamation of contradictory parts. i love sex and men (as evidenced by my soon to be posted quizilla quiz) but i am incredibly respectful of boundaries. even when those involved have forgotten their way i am quick to remind them and gladly avoid those that i have to. it's not about being guilty in this case, it's about operating with some common decency.
what does this all have to do with who i am now and my submission? honestly nothing and everything. it hasn't changed who i am as a submissive or what i choose to do with my submission. however, it is why i enjoy bdsm in a certain way. respect for people, boundaries and commitments are all tantamount in the lifestyle. we are marginalized enough--we don't need to make it more difficult within the ranks. this respect is sorely missing in a lot of my vanilla interactions. people are quick to overstep into another person's backyard without regard for what that will do to everyone else in the situation. the rules inherent in bdsm don't tolerate such transgressions easily. neither have i as i grew up with a father who couldn't be faithful to sae his life. i love/d him dearly but as a result of that there are two things i cannot stand in anyone i date 1) lying and 2) even the remotest willingness to cheat. one will get you downgraded from my life and both can get you dismissed entirely. as i think about bdsm, infidelity and my role in that whole situation i come back to this commercial i loved. 1) full of tall buffed sweaty men oh my oh my and 2) the voiceover slightly sounds like ray lewis whom i would molest every day all day long good gawd that man is fine (yes i know about his criminal record but the brother is lovely). anyway what i was thinking was of a simple phrase, we must protect this house. protection comes from inside and out. know who your significant other is interacting with but give them (your partner) the respect to trust that they aren't trying to tear down your home. if they are there trying to destroy it there is little you can do to stop them. if they aren't believe me the suspicions get old fast and what you are trying to prevent will happen anyway. go ahead and handle your business but be careful about how you do it. protect your house.
okay no kink right now. i need to process and talk to RS.
love ya
red
Whore
Take this quiz!
Labels: introspective, quizzes
.:Tuesday, April 04, 2006:.
-today is about peace-this will be long and rambling and doubtful to include anything remotely sexual so if you are interested in that skip down a few posts and enjoy the sugasm list as well as my latest sugasm offering. okay disclaimer is over time to start spilling it.
when i meant to write this earlier my brain was high on Roaming Soldier. it still is but the reality of the day has set in and i have to temper that a bit. not much but a bit. if God is good, and i know He is, this will be the last time i mention Emperor on these electronic pages. he has moved and quickly the same way i have and while i am tickled to death about Roaming Soldier i am also wondering what made Emperor so important to me that i was willing to put myself through all that emotional upheaval when, in little over a month, both of us are much happier with new people. it's one of those riddles wrapped up in a conuudrum kinda things. i was about to pack up my life and move across country--something he stated he wanted repeatedly--to be with someone who was making plans to be with someone else and is as attached to her as i have become to Roaming Soldier. it's just one of those funny how life works out thoughts. i am in no way shape or form planning to get back with Emperor. he taught me wonderful things but Roaming Soldier well he wants to be Daddy and damn it if i don't plan on letting him.
wonderful segue into what i planned on posting originally now that i think about it. i fell asleep early for me, it was before one a.m. to be sure and that just hardly ever happens. shortly after that Roaming Soldier was able to use that wonderfully limited time they give them to shoot me off a few instant messages. the first was simple and filled with those kisses i adore so much. then the next few had me in tears. i can't say he was profound or wonderfully poetic. he was just being himself and sharing what was on his mind at the time. obviously they were thoughts about me and the tears were VERY happy tears. i had to close my office door to give myself time to compose myself and to write him back. i told him as i told you all that what he wrote had me very happy and very teary eyed. when we were able to talk briefly this afternoon he told me that he hadn't intended on making me cry but he'd always be there to wipe them away.